So here is the beginning of my testimony...
Two years ago I met a man that seemed perfect. He was a Christian, worked with the youth group, respected my desire to remain abstinent until marriage, was kind and a real spiritual leader of our relationship. I fell in love and we got married. As soon as we got married he changed drastically. He stopped going to church. He became very emotionally abusive. He told me that I was overweight and unattractive, he refused to sleep with me sexually and refused to physically sleep in our bed. He pretty much moved into the guest room and lived there. He told me I was an inadequate wife and he was disappointed in me. Once he even left for five days because he was mad about the dog chewing up the door. During that time he refused to speak to me or come home even though I pleaded with him through tears, got rid of my dog and replaced the door. It was a horrible situation but I had made a commitment and as a Christian woman I wasn’t wavering. I did everything I could think of. I danced around his expectations and schedule. I went to church every Sunday and involved myself with Godly women. I prayed for him incessantly, read books about Christian marriage, sought out a marriage mentor you name it and I did it. I tried to talk to him but he would always turn it on me and then retreat to “his room”. Nothing seemed to change his behavior. We had been married about five months and I was in school when I lost my graduate assistantship position, it wasn’t a huge deal only about $800 a month. I came home and told him and he seemed fine. Then he left for work and I never saw him again. In the immediate days that followed I found out he had been living a double life. When I was looking through his credit card statements to give to the police I found he had $40,000 worth of debt he had hidden. He had always kept his finances separate and secret, like everything else, and he told me this was because I was a poor money manager. It didn’t make much sense considering I had just finished paying off all of my debt but I loved him and followed him blindly.I trusted him, why shouldn't I? I also found out from his family that he had “disappeared” before in college. He just bought a ticket to Miami and left until his mom tracked him down and brought him home. Furthermore I found out that his previous disappearance had to do with homosexuality. They sent him to counseling to "pray away the gay." Apparently his family knew all of this and nobody told me anything, it was a huge horrible secret. When the cops searched his computer they found homosexual pornography, that he had been meeting men off craigslist for sex and that his “disappearance” was planned well in advance. At the time we thought that he ran off with one of his lovers. As hard as this was to hear I was thankful that I now had the only biblical reason for divorce, infidelity. You can’t imagine the pain of saving yourself for your husband and then having to be tested for STDs. When I thought it couldn't get worse it did. Three weeks after he disappeared he was found dead. He had committed suicide. My heart ached because I honestly believed that it all could have been stopped if his family had just accepted him. It ached because I lost my husband twice- once when I found out he wasn't who I thought and once when he actually died. It ached because my father had killed himself when I was only 6. Why did no man seem to think I was worth sticking around for? It ached because of the alienation from his family. It ached because of the way the news made me seem like the bad guy. It all ached, it still does because that was just three days ago. But this isn’t a blog about pain, it is a story about redeeming love. God redeemed me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been so blessed by the whole experience. The support of friends and family has been astounding. Very few people get to experience that Christ centered agape love in their lifetime. What a fortunate person I am! I am also humbled that God chose me to walk through that experience. His faith in me is astounding. I am thrilled to see how God will use this part of my testimony for His glory. I tell you this because I need to get it out. I need a diary and I need to feel like I am sharing my story with someone. However, I don’t tell you this for pity. I don’t pity myself. What he did to me was horrible but Genesis 50:20 states " You intended this for evil, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people" and it is so true. God did mean this experience for His good. It has made me a better servant and I am thankful for the chance to burry my heart even deeper in the heart of our Lord. God tells us to consider it pure when we face trials of many kinds for the testing of faith produces perseverance and we need perseverance so that we may be made complete in Him and that is exactly how I look at it (or at least I am trying). What an awesome, incredible, loving God we serve! I am so humbled that He has chosen me to walk this path and though I am very mad right now I am also excited to see where it leads!
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