2 year update (well 2+)

Hello all!

A lot has changed for me in the last couple of years. A WHOLE lot!

I am living in Georgia with my husband, that's right my original buddy that God sent me in my grief is now the man I proudly share my life with.  I am working in my dream job as a SLP in a north Georgia school system. We have recently moved into a great new house. Our new neighborhood is a wonderful place filled with young families and perfect for kids. Which is great for us because we are expecting our surprise blessing this May.

We belong to an incredible church and have phenomenal friends within our small group. We are close to all of our family and get to celebrate life with them on a regular basis. I am absolutely in love with my life now. I am so thankful for where God has brought me, for the lessons He has taught me and for the first time I have seen true fruit from my testimony with Clay.  A dear friend of mine walked through a similar situation as I did with Clay. Not everything was the same but there were enough similarities to let me know that God chose me to walk with her. Here is a post I wrote from last month...

I know I'm supposed to be writing about special people up through tomorrow, and I promise that I have a great one saved for the last day, but today I em exceptionally grateful for God's faithfulness.

This morning I woke up to cryptic messages on facebook about one of my college friends. I guessed that he must have passed away. Furthermore, by some of the messages sent to me personally, I guessed it was a suicide. I guessed right. He left behind a wife and two twin infant girls.

I cannot even explain the pain that ripped through me this morning, especially as more of the pieces came together. I literally sobbed for a good half hour while Brent held me. The wounds of Clay that I have been working two years to heal were instantly ripped open all over again and I literally ached for his wife. She and I were feeling the same hurt this morning, crying the same tears. This morning- for those 30 min- there was no difference between us.

Then that 30 min passed and I was able to reflect on God's faithfulness. I was her 2 years ago and look how my life has changed. I was broken, my world literally crumbled around me, everything I thought I knew was false.  I knew I would never be the same. I was right but not the way I expected. I thought I would never laugh again, I did. I thought I would never love again, I do. I thought I would be broken forever, I'm not. I thought I would never be beautiful again because of the ugliness that surrounded the situation, I am more beautiful now.  I am not the same, my life is so different than I ever expected it to be and so much better than I thought it could ever be when I was in that place of grief two years ago.

God is so faithful, He is so restorative and He is so perfect in his plan.

It was a long, hard road with some nasty detours but I made it to the other side. My friend will do the same. Today I am beyond thankful for God's faithfulness and beyond thankful for His perfect plan. Because of all I went through I can offer support to someone else. Though I wish I didn't need to, that is an incredible gift to give someone. His will is perfect indeed!



Since the time I wrote this God has allowed me to walk with Krisi in her grief. It has been an amazing experience to watch her heal and it has been unexpectedly healing for me. I have realized in the last month just how powerful my testimony is. The good, the bad, the ugly. I am a real person with real feelings. I am imperfect and, like most people, feel that my imperfections make my testimony less useful. I have learned just the opposite is true. I am imperfect but God IS perfect. His will is truly perfect and in absolutely astounding ways. I am humbled He has given me this testimony. I am thankful He is using it for His glory and I am awed at His perfection. God sees the story end to beginning. In my hurt, in my short sightedness, in my pain it is easy for me to be angry, to be questioning and to wonder Why? However, as the years go by I get to see even just a little more of God's perfection, His provision and His grace and I am amazed with His perfect plan. I have been so abundantly blessed in the last two years. I am thrilled to see where God takes me next!

1 year anniversary

So.... Clay died 1 year ago today.

Here's what I remember of Jan 20 2011- coming home from bible study to a text message that Clay had not shown up to work. Telling my incredible friend Colleen that "you might not want to come in the house. Clay hasn't shown up to work. I don't know where he is and I don't know what you are getting yourself into" and having her stay anyways. (have I mentioned that I love her?) I remember learning about a bit of Clay's past, namely that he had disappeared before. I remember literally jumping out of a moving vehicle because I thought I saw him at church. I remember sending an e-mail to my professors that I could not see patients the next day. I remember that it was a horrible, horrible, horrible night. It was a horrible week that followed and in all honesty, a horrible year that followed. However, God teaches us through both the good and bad times and here is an update of what has happened to me in the last year...

Emotionally: Oh sheesh, I have been on a roller coaster both up and down. I have had days of anger, anguish, sadness, joy, hysteria, severe anxiety, happiness and contentment. I have been angry, happy, sad, disappointed, appreciative, faithful, bitter, resentful, questioning, thankful and even joyful about my last year. I have spoken to many different therapists about all of theses emotions, been placed on many different medications (some good and some bad) as a result of these emotions and learned the unfortunate truth that grief is a roller coaster and you must ride both the ups and downs of this coaster.

Physical: I initially lost about 15 lbs from lack of eating/stress and then gained about 30  lbs from grief and an effort to self-medicate with food and alcohol (not a wise decision). I am currently on a stringent mission to lose said 30 lbs thanks to a new gym membership and weight watchers. I have thankfully passed almost all STD tests with the exception of HPV. I have been diagnosed with high risk HPV (thanks Clay) and will find out within the month if it has turned into cervical cancer. I am currently waiting on biopsy results which will determine any future treatment and my ability to have kids. I also have 1 HIV test left but negative results on previous 3 tests makes me hopeful for the future.

professionally: I am in my final semester of graduate school. I have decided that it is my mission to serve in the public school. I will (God willing) graduate in May of this year and I feel that I have clawed my way through this degree inch by inch thus I am soooo looking forward to May 4th!

personal: I am dating a man that I am totally in love with. I never thought I would love anyone again and I had no idea what love really was. Clay completely distorted my image of true love as a result of his verbal and emotional abuse.  I never really knew what it meant to be loved and appreciated by someone. I am thankful to be in a relationship with a man who tells me I am beautiful, makes extra effort to spend time with me and honors me for who I am. I am so blessed for knowing this man and have received a true gift for having been loved by him. I am grateful to be back in GA where I can be in contact with my family on a regular basis. I never realized how much I missed them before when I lived in NC and I am so thankful to be here. What a gift it is to have them in my daily life!

spiritual: I have to admit that this area of my life has probably changed the most.  I still carry a lot of anger, frustration and lack of understanding. I don't understand God, I did everything you asked and this is what I get in return? I often find myself asking , "why me?" and almost immediately God answers...why not you? It's true- why not me? Does anyone ask for their husband to cheat on then especially with men? Does anyone ask for their financial status to be decimated? Does anyone ask to have cancer? Does anyone ask to lose friends/confidants/family members? Does anyone ask to be publicly slandered?  Does anyone ask to go through trials? NO!!!!!!! So why not me? If God believes that I can walk through this then I have no choice but believe He knows best and thus I am much stronger than I thought!

1 year ago my life changed forever. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not like it. I did not enjoy it. I did not plan for it. I did not choose it... but I lived through it and I am thankful for the relationships I have built, the lessons I have learned and the way my life is different than it was just 1 year ago.

A gentle reminder... after a couple of tornadoes.

I have to admit that last week was an exceptionally low week for me. I was more frustrated and downtrodden than I have been since all of this began. I just felt like I kept trying to move on but every time I felt I took one step forward I would get pushed back three steps.  I was hopeless and I felt that God had forgotten about me. I just kept praying for some sign that He wasn't ignoring me. Even though I knew in my head that my God loves me and is always with me I needed a sign as a reminder. It can be incredible overwhelming when you don't feel like God is with you. However, we aren't called to "feel" in God. We are called to "believe" in God and I seemed to have forgotten that. In His infinite mercy and grace God gave me a sign when I was driving home from GA on Monday night. I drove through two tornadoes, camped out in a truck stop with 150 of my closest new friends for about an hour, drove through nothing but storms for 7 hours straight and was exhausted mentally, physically and even spiritually by the end of the journey. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer God sent me a rainbow- literally! It was such a great reminder that you don't get the rainbow without the rain and that God promises to always offer us hope. So I guess I will keep on trucking through these storms because I know that at the end will be a rainbow. Plus you never know who might be sitting at a truck stop along the way ;)

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13

My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

One of the most beautiful parts of the crucifixion (to me) is when Jesus calls out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I love this part because it shows the sacrifice that Jesus was making for us, the anguish He was going through, the confusion He felt in His Father's decision and ultimately the love and trust to complete His task. Jesus was forsaken because he was blameless and perfect. He was the sacrifice needed for all of us to be free. He was the greatest gift, even better than a bag with pink polka dots and a swirly monogram. There was purpose in His being forsaken. It was heartbreakingly beautiful and necessary.

These last few months back in NC have certainly had their ups and downs. I am loving being with my friends at school, my Greenville/GCF friends and my Ryan family holds a special place in my heart now and forever.  I like feeling like a part of a family and I have enjoyed a couple of my favorite stores that we only have here, like New River Pottery, even if I don't have any money to do anything but window shop. However, there have been quite a bit of downs too. I have run into many roadblocks with school, the debtors harass the Ryan phone like they win a prize for it, I had to apply for food stamps since I lost my job and did not receive any of the life insurance money (a humbling experience I wasn't expecting but am still thankful for), I have had to deal with many issues left over from Clay, health issues, car issues and the general feeling of being constantly judged. Those that disapprove of me are watching for the slightest misstep to call me out and those that love me are watching for the slightest example of just how "crazy" I have become. Either way I feel that each move I make is so scrutinized. Everyone wants to see how the poor, wounded, widow deals with her return to real life and as a result I feel that I am jusged for both showing emotion as well as not. Not to mention that being back in a town where half the people know the truth and half do not is like playing a wretched game of whack-a-mole. People just "pop" up in my daily life and I feel I have to be on guard everywhere. I feel pigeon- holed in school, I am frustrated beyond belief with all these current trials and to think of making it to graduation seems the equivalent of asking me to climb mount Everest. I feel "forsaken" and I don't understand why. I am not blameless, I am not going to pay the price for millions of souls through my suffering, I am not going to revolutionize the faith...sheesh I am barely holding on to my own faith, what good am I to anyone else?

One of my friends told me early on that I should be thankful for my suffering. She said that like Job, I was chosen to prove my faithfulness. Let's look at some of the similarities. Job lost...
His house- yep, under foreclosure
His belongings- yep all of my furniture as well as most of my other belongings - gone
His Family- Yep they are a grueling eight hours away and some days I miss them so much I feel that my heart just might explode. It literally gets tense and I get this sick feeling when I think about being so far away from them and the other people I love.
His sense of security- totally gone. I feel on guard always, and always on the defense
His health- we won't go into detail, just know that I have been dealing with physical issues that I never had before not to mention the mental health ups and downs
His transportation- check. I had to get rid of my mazda3 because I couldn't afford it.
His income- gone. I was let go the day Clay died. Financial aid cannot offer me any more loans and for the first time in two years I have had to live from a credit card.Too bad they didn't have jewish food stamps back then.

and the list goes on.

The last three days have been exceptionally difficult and honestly I want to walk away from it all. From schoo, from these trials, from North Carolina, from Life in general. I saw a news airing recently where they recently transplanted a face. It was a huge medical breakthrough. Anyone ever heard of a life transplant because I am pretty sick of this one right now? I am thinking Beyonce will do just fine for me :)  I am feeling more like Job's wife right now- I want to curse God and get my life back not be stuck with this hell  that Clay left behind for me.  Again, I don't understand why I was chosen to endure this because I am simply not that great of a person...I am no Job. On the flip side I am also am not that bad of a bad person to deserve to be destroyed and punished either. For the most part, I led a pretty good "Christian life" before all of this. So why is all this happening? Why am I still being tested or punished (whichever)? When does this end? How much more can I take? I know it sounds like a lot of complaining, and it is... but it's just not fair and today I am having a moment...a big one. My faith is being tested greatly and I am afraid that it is currently losing. Please life me up.

On the plus side...
 ¹⁰ After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver^[a] and a gold ring


I am expecting a lot of jewelry when this is over:)

Belated Mother's day tribute

I HATE running. Even so I usually get an itch to make myself a "runner" about every 6 months. I start training and try to distract myself from the torture (and embarrassment) of my body jiggling as I bouncy walk down the road. The best distraction I have found is music, typically at a very loud level. I have compiled a playlist of high energy pump up songs on my ipod for just the occasion. I even know exactly how long each song is and have timed it to increase in energy right when I am hitting my workout wall.

I have ALWAYS loved this song. It speaks such empowerment and it is the only song that I can always count on to give me that extra umph to go just a little farther. On a really bad day I literally listen to this song on repeat about 7 times because my body just won't run to anything else. It has been my "running song" for many years now. Previously I used to think about it as a song to food. You know, I am better without you and I will survive etc. I often still think of it as a boo-ya to my food addiction. However, in recent months the song has taken on a new meaning. It very much speaks to my situation. I am a survivor and I have such great support! Furthermore it doesn't talk about getting revenge or holding a grudge it simply is a battle cry of empowerment and moving on. It is about learning from your experience and deciding not to let what has happened to you dictate who you are but rather allowing it to develop your character even more. That is exactly what I am doing. I don't have to bring those that hurt me down to feel like I have been brought up. My absolute favorite part of the song is in the middle. It goes like this...

I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate on you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma taught me better than that.

Boy did I have an opportunity to blast people on the internet, to blast people and their family and to hold a grudge and my flesh side says it all would have been deserved. But I didn't. I do wish all of them success, no stress and happiness and like the song, I am not willing to compromise my testimony. Why?

Cause my momma taught me better than that! Thank God for incredible mommas like mine. Boy am I blessed to have her!!!

Proverbs 31:2 8Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her.

mother's day and Father's (capital F) days

I just finished a wonderful day spent at the Mall of Georgia. It was full of shopping, laughing, eating and great company! The evening ended with a great movie, Thor, on the Imax. Awesome! As the movie ended and I was about to leave the theatre I was consumed with one thought, Donna. Yes, that's right...Donna, Clay's mother. To put it mildly, she is not exactly at the top of my favorite persons list. So why was so so heavy on my mind and heart? It hit me that tomorrow will be her first mother's day without her son. My heart absolutely aches for her. The entire way home it was all I could think about and the hurt for her was so great that I was almost in tears. I was shocked at how overwhelmingly this realization struck me. I thought of her joy on the day she gave birth to him. I thought of all the memories she must have of mother's days past. I thought of her emptiness tomorrow as she goes through her first mother's day without him and of all the similar days to follow. It was tormenting.

Then I had another thought. If I can feel this greatly, as a non-mother, for another woman's loss of a child that seriously negatively impacted me, then how greatly does God mourn the loss of His own children? Now, I don't mean the physical loss since we know that any child of God never really dies since we have the undeserved, grace-given gift of an eternity with out Father . I am talking about spiritual loss. Lost souls, strayed children, children that, like Clay, are separated from a loving parent by a choice they made while their parent is left grieving this choice. If my heart aches for Donna, who simply carried Clay, how does God's heart ache for the child he made? If My heart aches for Donna on this one special day  that is hers but how does God's heart ache on all days which are His? He made us to be His children, to walk with Him and to take part in His glorious blessings. Oh how He must hurt when we choose to separate ourselves from the gift of Him. Oh, how he must long for His children that have yet to chose Him, for those who walked away and even those who simply have faltered. How He absolutely longs to be near to us and how we consistently trade His love for the emptiness of sin. How many time have I separated myself? How am I doing it now? I was so convicted by these thoughts tonight I simply had to write them down. I hope that you have an incredibly blessed mother's day tomorrow and an incredibly blessed Father's day everyday!

Isaiah 59:2 But your sinful acts have seperated you from God

Romans 5:8  But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

"To sleep perchance to dream" William Shakesphere

screw dreaming- at this point I will just take the sleep.  I am still having a very hard time sleeping. Last night I took an ambien about 11:00 pm and tried to sleep. At about 11:30 I had another mini anxiety attack. 5 out of 6 prescriptions, 4 hours, lots of internet double checking the psychiatrist's promise of no drug interactions, a fluffy pillow and some pandora piano music later- I FINALLY went to sleep... for 4 hours. Arg, I am feeling uber frustrated about the situation.  No sleep leads to frustration which leads to anxiety which leads to no sleep. Not good. It is a vicious cycle that I must break. Please, please please pray with me for some good rest. Thanks!