persecution

James 1:2-5    Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 

So earlier today I was reading a post on the witn website from a person titled "EMS worker." The just of it was that Clay killed himself because I wasn't bringing home any money and the monetary burden was too great. Basically it was all my fault. The person even went so far to say that they hoped I would be able to look back and see what I had done wrong.  This put me in tears.

First off- I was contributing a great deal financially. I had two jobs, paid for all of my bills, school, car insurance etc. as well as all of our family groceries, utilities bill and cable/internet. Considering I was going to school full time in a very demanding program and only brought home about 900 a month I think it is pretty impressive that I paid for all of that. Furthermore, even if I hadn't paid for things it was a horrible comment to make to a widow. Don't you think I am already doubting myself? The information that has surfaced since Clay's disappearence has led me to doubt my entire marriage. What a horrible, horrible comment. Don't these people know that I am the victim? Don't they know that my husband chose to die rather than be with me? Can't they imagine what that must feel like? He left me and it made the news... how am I wrong? All I did was be the best wife that I new how...but this isn't a post about me. It is about God just like everything else.

I was out walking, trying to blow off some steam, and I had this conversation with God. (well I was more yelling but He was calmly talking is His loving yet firm voice as always)

Me:" I am so angry. Why would someone say that? That is so mean. I have half a mind to write the whole story down just to prove my innocence. Who do they think they are? I am the one who was lied to. I was completely honest and trusting the whole time."

God:"walk in grace, Erin"

Me: "Walk in grace? Are you serious don't you see what is hapening here?"

God: "Yes, child. I see. Walk in grace."

me: "Fine! I'll walk in grace but you better fill me COMPLETELY with your spirit because every part that is me is completely pissed off right now" (sorry for the language but that is what I thought)

God: "I am always sufficent and I am always here. Walk in grace"

me: " But you don't understand. I haven't done anything wrong in this situation and they are persucing me like I am the bad guy. I am the victim. I am the one hurting. You don't know what that's like"

and here's the boom....

God strongly and securly reminded me " Erin, I know EXACTLY what that is like. I was persecuted and, unlike you, I had never done anything wrong... ever! I was betrayed. I was hurt. Still I chose to show the love of my father and that is what I am asking you to do now. I never said it would be easy but this is what I have called you to do."

 How often do we forget that? How often do we raise a fist to God as if He doesn't see us, as if He hasn't been there too, as if He doesn't understand?  We are the ones who placed Him on the cross and He doesn't write nasty things about us online, He doesn't curse us, He doesn't walk away. Instead He opens His mighty arms and engulfs us in a love we can't imagine. A love that is so great and mighty it literally covers all sin. A love we don't deserve but He gives freely. What grace!

Man. Talk about humbling. God's grace is so sufficient. What a blessing it is to know Him. What a gift that He was persecuted for our ugliness and what a charge He leaves us with to walk in His grace. I will try my best my precious savior. I lean on you wholly for there is nothing left of me. Thank you for your love, your strength and most of all your grace. You are beautiful!