angel wings

In an effort to be completely honest and open so God can work through me I have to admit that I am nervous. I leave to go to NC tomorrow and I am not sure what that will hold. I don't know how I will react. I have experienced the second wave of my horrific life collapse from the security of my GA home. If I hadn't been here already starting to heal I don't think I would have been able to handle this.

However, tomorrow I have to leave this security. I was always planning on returning to NC to finish my degree but that was going to be after a couple more months of healing. I feel like a near drowning victim. I had this horrible experience, barely made it out alive, and now you want me to jump back in the water?
I am nervous about going to the house. What will I do? What will it be like? I am nervous about seeing Clay's family again. I am nervous about seeing the casket. Will I just break down? I am nervous about talking to a lawyer and learning my legal responsibilities. Most f all I am nervous because I feel like I am walking into a firing squad. I know that my name has been slandered by a select few. I am thankful that it is just a select few however it is an important few that are impossible to avoid. I feel like I can't even fully grieve the loss of my husband because I need to be on the defensive. I feel like they don't think I have a right to grieve and therefore I need to try and contain my emotions. In short I feel judged. What a horrible thing to feel like you are unwelcome at your own husband's funeral. I am very hurt by some recent accusations and trying to stay faithful to my promise to walk in grace but I am nervous that out of my comfort zone, in my own emotions, I won't be able to control it. So please pray for my anxiousness. God specifically tells us not to be anxious. Pray for a peace, not just for me but my whole family, that supersedes any negativity. Most of all pray for comfort, that I will feel comfortable to grieve the way I need to while I am there.

My mom and I have this thing we do where we mouth "olive juice" to one another because it looks like "I love you." We decided we needed a slogan for this trip that we can mouth to one another when we need a reminder to walk in God's grace and we decided on "angel wings." So please pray for our "angel wings" to show up in mighty ways.

 To God be the glory. We walk in your faith, your grace mighty Lord. Set each step of ours while we are there. Provide opportunities for us to reflect your light. Take away all anxiousness and fill us with your peace. Let your name be glorified in all we do. We ask these things in your mighty name. Amen.