empty

It has been a couple of days since I posted and I apologize. The funeral went wonderfully. There were a couple of hits in there (namely they folded the flag from the casket and walked directly past me to hand it to Clay's parents- what an insult) but overall it was a wonderful memorial to a great EMT. His EMTs from Eastern Pines provided transport and stood by him proudly. There were many mistakes that Clay made when it came to us, many poor decisions but there is no denying that he was an expert paramedic. His passion was in his job and his compassion, kindness and testimony rests there. I am thankful that he was so honored for this contribution.

We stayed in NC on Thursday almost all day getting things done. It was a long day but the first time we saw any real victories. We met an angel at the courthouse who expedited some paperwork for us. She then sent us to one of her contacts at the bank and even though we didn't technically have a death certificate we were able to take care o some business. Then we met another angel (God winks as my mom calls them) in a fabulous attorney. He gave me excellent counsel on my rights and responsibilities and he didn't even charge us.  What a blessing!

We left about 6:30 and finally got home about 2:30 Friday morning. I pretty much slept all day yesterday which is why I didn't post.

So now we are caught up to the present. Many people have asked me how I am doing right now and I don't really know how to answer. In all honesty the best word I can think of is empty. It is like the adrenaline rush is over, the anger has dissipated, the sadness just sits in my stomach like a rock and all that is left is empty. I feel heavy, slow, weighed down. My heart still hurts but it is like I don't know how to express the hurt. For someone that can't shut up (no wonder I am a speech therapist:) this has presented quite a problem. I think that was part of my delay in posting. I just didn't know what to say. My mom keeps asking me what she needs to do to help me and I can't tell her anything. I don't know.

I know that grief runs in stages and, unfortunately, they are not linear. I am hoping this stage of emptiness passes quickly. It is the most uncomfortable of all. That being said I am thankful for this stage because when I am most empty is when God is most present. What a great opportunity to empty myself so that I may be more filled with the Spirit. I am reminded that my testimony will sing loudly the praises of our great King and that I am meant to endure all these emotions so that I many better serve Him. I found this verse this morning reminding me of that exact truth.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (NASB)