How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time!

(big breath in and big breath out)

I met with stephanie today. It was wonderful. I haven't seen her since before we found out that Clay died. As you can imagine I had a lot to share. I told her about my blog and the wonderful support you guys have given me, she was very happy with that. I told her how up and down I have felt, how I didn't feel like myself, how no matter what I do there are some days when I couldn't finish an assignment if the Lord Jesus Himself was standing there asking me to do it and some days I can study for hours and make an A on a quiz. She made me feel so much better and offered me some validation that I really needed to hear.

She told me that things like concentration, motivation and initative are qualities that we just expect to be there. We don't acknowledge that they can come and go. Grief is a sneaky little thing that makes you feel like crap and then steals from you (sounds like a date I went on once:). Grief steals these things you didn't even know you could lose. It steals yourself. When I told her that I didn't feel like me she proposed the observation that perhaps I am meeting grieving Erin. It is still me but it is frustrating because it is a very unpredictable me. Some days I am happy like yesterday, some days I am sad like Saturday, some days I am angry at everyone like Friday.  She knew exactly what I meant and how annoying it was not to be able to predict myself. You know, out of everyone I know it is myself that I know best, how frustrating to feel like even that knowledge is uncertain.

She also assured me that I am not crazy. Mood swings are normal and expected. It was like she gave me "permission" to feel the way I do. She allowed me to give myself a little grace. She suggested that instead of looking at my school as something I need to catch up immediately it should be a final goal to have everything done by May. She allowed me to realize that it is ok to have days when I can't concentrate, like today,  and assured me that there will be days when I can. The overall message was a permission to take things as slowly as I need to. She cautioned me to really experience all the stages of grief because when you try to fast forward through them it comes back with a vengeance. Just like eating an elephant grief is something you have to deal with one bite at a time.


whops: I almost forgot the verse for this one. Grief is most certainly a dirty thief but God tells us in John 10:10 that "The thief comes to steal kill and destroy, but I come that you may have life and have it more abundantly" Thankful for a more abundant life in the future!

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