2 year update (well 2+)

Hello all!

A lot has changed for me in the last couple of years. A WHOLE lot!

I am living in Georgia with my husband, that's right my original buddy that God sent me in my grief is now the man I proudly share my life with.  I am working in my dream job as a SLP in a north Georgia school system. We have recently moved into a great new house. Our new neighborhood is a wonderful place filled with young families and perfect for kids. Which is great for us because we are expecting our surprise blessing this May.

We belong to an incredible church and have phenomenal friends within our small group. We are close to all of our family and get to celebrate life with them on a regular basis. I am absolutely in love with my life now. I am so thankful for where God has brought me, for the lessons He has taught me and for the first time I have seen true fruit from my testimony with Clay.  A dear friend of mine walked through a similar situation as I did with Clay. Not everything was the same but there were enough similarities to let me know that God chose me to walk with her. Here is a post I wrote from last month...

I know I'm supposed to be writing about special people up through tomorrow, and I promise that I have a great one saved for the last day, but today I em exceptionally grateful for God's faithfulness.

This morning I woke up to cryptic messages on facebook about one of my college friends. I guessed that he must have passed away. Furthermore, by some of the messages sent to me personally, I guessed it was a suicide. I guessed right. He left behind a wife and two twin infant girls.

I cannot even explain the pain that ripped through me this morning, especially as more of the pieces came together. I literally sobbed for a good half hour while Brent held me. The wounds of Clay that I have been working two years to heal were instantly ripped open all over again and I literally ached for his wife. She and I were feeling the same hurt this morning, crying the same tears. This morning- for those 30 min- there was no difference between us.

Then that 30 min passed and I was able to reflect on God's faithfulness. I was her 2 years ago and look how my life has changed. I was broken, my world literally crumbled around me, everything I thought I knew was false.  I knew I would never be the same. I was right but not the way I expected. I thought I would never laugh again, I did. I thought I would never love again, I do. I thought I would be broken forever, I'm not. I thought I would never be beautiful again because of the ugliness that surrounded the situation, I am more beautiful now.  I am not the same, my life is so different than I ever expected it to be and so much better than I thought it could ever be when I was in that place of grief two years ago.

God is so faithful, He is so restorative and He is so perfect in his plan.

It was a long, hard road with some nasty detours but I made it to the other side. My friend will do the same. Today I am beyond thankful for God's faithfulness and beyond thankful for His perfect plan. Because of all I went through I can offer support to someone else. Though I wish I didn't need to, that is an incredible gift to give someone. His will is perfect indeed!



Since the time I wrote this God has allowed me to walk with Krisi in her grief. It has been an amazing experience to watch her heal and it has been unexpectedly healing for me. I have realized in the last month just how powerful my testimony is. The good, the bad, the ugly. I am a real person with real feelings. I am imperfect and, like most people, feel that my imperfections make my testimony less useful. I have learned just the opposite is true. I am imperfect but God IS perfect. His will is truly perfect and in absolutely astounding ways. I am humbled He has given me this testimony. I am thankful He is using it for His glory and I am awed at His perfection. God sees the story end to beginning. In my hurt, in my short sightedness, in my pain it is easy for me to be angry, to be questioning and to wonder Why? However, as the years go by I get to see even just a little more of God's perfection, His provision and His grace and I am amazed with His perfect plan. I have been so abundantly blessed in the last two years. I am thrilled to see where God takes me next!

1 year anniversary

So.... Clay died 1 year ago today.

Here's what I remember of Jan 20 2011- coming home from bible study to a text message that Clay had not shown up to work. Telling my incredible friend Colleen that "you might not want to come in the house. Clay hasn't shown up to work. I don't know where he is and I don't know what you are getting yourself into" and having her stay anyways. (have I mentioned that I love her?) I remember learning about a bit of Clay's past, namely that he had disappeared before. I remember literally jumping out of a moving vehicle because I thought I saw him at church. I remember sending an e-mail to my professors that I could not see patients the next day. I remember that it was a horrible, horrible, horrible night. It was a horrible week that followed and in all honesty, a horrible year that followed. However, God teaches us through both the good and bad times and here is an update of what has happened to me in the last year...

Emotionally: Oh sheesh, I have been on a roller coaster both up and down. I have had days of anger, anguish, sadness, joy, hysteria, severe anxiety, happiness and contentment. I have been angry, happy, sad, disappointed, appreciative, faithful, bitter, resentful, questioning, thankful and even joyful about my last year. I have spoken to many different therapists about all of theses emotions, been placed on many different medications (some good and some bad) as a result of these emotions and learned the unfortunate truth that grief is a roller coaster and you must ride both the ups and downs of this coaster.

Physical: I initially lost about 15 lbs from lack of eating/stress and then gained about 30  lbs from grief and an effort to self-medicate with food and alcohol (not a wise decision). I am currently on a stringent mission to lose said 30 lbs thanks to a new gym membership and weight watchers. I have thankfully passed almost all STD tests with the exception of HPV. I have been diagnosed with high risk HPV (thanks Clay) and will find out within the month if it has turned into cervical cancer. I am currently waiting on biopsy results which will determine any future treatment and my ability to have kids. I also have 1 HIV test left but negative results on previous 3 tests makes me hopeful for the future.

professionally: I am in my final semester of graduate school. I have decided that it is my mission to serve in the public school. I will (God willing) graduate in May of this year and I feel that I have clawed my way through this degree inch by inch thus I am soooo looking forward to May 4th!

personal: I am dating a man that I am totally in love with. I never thought I would love anyone again and I had no idea what love really was. Clay completely distorted my image of true love as a result of his verbal and emotional abuse.  I never really knew what it meant to be loved and appreciated by someone. I am thankful to be in a relationship with a man who tells me I am beautiful, makes extra effort to spend time with me and honors me for who I am. I am so blessed for knowing this man and have received a true gift for having been loved by him. I am grateful to be back in GA where I can be in contact with my family on a regular basis. I never realized how much I missed them before when I lived in NC and I am so thankful to be here. What a gift it is to have them in my daily life!

spiritual: I have to admit that this area of my life has probably changed the most.  I still carry a lot of anger, frustration and lack of understanding. I don't understand God, I did everything you asked and this is what I get in return? I often find myself asking , "why me?" and almost immediately God answers...why not you? It's true- why not me? Does anyone ask for their husband to cheat on then especially with men? Does anyone ask for their financial status to be decimated? Does anyone ask to have cancer? Does anyone ask to lose friends/confidants/family members? Does anyone ask to be publicly slandered?  Does anyone ask to go through trials? NO!!!!!!! So why not me? If God believes that I can walk through this then I have no choice but believe He knows best and thus I am much stronger than I thought!

1 year ago my life changed forever. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not like it. I did not enjoy it. I did not plan for it. I did not choose it... but I lived through it and I am thankful for the relationships I have built, the lessons I have learned and the way my life is different than it was just 1 year ago.

A gentle reminder... after a couple of tornadoes.

I have to admit that last week was an exceptionally low week for me. I was more frustrated and downtrodden than I have been since all of this began. I just felt like I kept trying to move on but every time I felt I took one step forward I would get pushed back three steps.  I was hopeless and I felt that God had forgotten about me. I just kept praying for some sign that He wasn't ignoring me. Even though I knew in my head that my God loves me and is always with me I needed a sign as a reminder. It can be incredible overwhelming when you don't feel like God is with you. However, we aren't called to "feel" in God. We are called to "believe" in God and I seemed to have forgotten that. In His infinite mercy and grace God gave me a sign when I was driving home from GA on Monday night. I drove through two tornadoes, camped out in a truck stop with 150 of my closest new friends for about an hour, drove through nothing but storms for 7 hours straight and was exhausted mentally, physically and even spiritually by the end of the journey. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer God sent me a rainbow- literally! It was such a great reminder that you don't get the rainbow without the rain and that God promises to always offer us hope. So I guess I will keep on trucking through these storms because I know that at the end will be a rainbow. Plus you never know who might be sitting at a truck stop along the way ;)

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13

My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

One of the most beautiful parts of the crucifixion (to me) is when Jesus calls out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I love this part because it shows the sacrifice that Jesus was making for us, the anguish He was going through, the confusion He felt in His Father's decision and ultimately the love and trust to complete His task. Jesus was forsaken because he was blameless and perfect. He was the sacrifice needed for all of us to be free. He was the greatest gift, even better than a bag with pink polka dots and a swirly monogram. There was purpose in His being forsaken. It was heartbreakingly beautiful and necessary.

These last few months back in NC have certainly had their ups and downs. I am loving being with my friends at school, my Greenville/GCF friends and my Ryan family holds a special place in my heart now and forever.  I like feeling like a part of a family and I have enjoyed a couple of my favorite stores that we only have here, like New River Pottery, even if I don't have any money to do anything but window shop. However, there have been quite a bit of downs too. I have run into many roadblocks with school, the debtors harass the Ryan phone like they win a prize for it, I had to apply for food stamps since I lost my job and did not receive any of the life insurance money (a humbling experience I wasn't expecting but am still thankful for), I have had to deal with many issues left over from Clay, health issues, car issues and the general feeling of being constantly judged. Those that disapprove of me are watching for the slightest misstep to call me out and those that love me are watching for the slightest example of just how "crazy" I have become. Either way I feel that each move I make is so scrutinized. Everyone wants to see how the poor, wounded, widow deals with her return to real life and as a result I feel that I am jusged for both showing emotion as well as not. Not to mention that being back in a town where half the people know the truth and half do not is like playing a wretched game of whack-a-mole. People just "pop" up in my daily life and I feel I have to be on guard everywhere. I feel pigeon- holed in school, I am frustrated beyond belief with all these current trials and to think of making it to graduation seems the equivalent of asking me to climb mount Everest. I feel "forsaken" and I don't understand why. I am not blameless, I am not going to pay the price for millions of souls through my suffering, I am not going to revolutionize the faith...sheesh I am barely holding on to my own faith, what good am I to anyone else?

One of my friends told me early on that I should be thankful for my suffering. She said that like Job, I was chosen to prove my faithfulness. Let's look at some of the similarities. Job lost...
His house- yep, under foreclosure
His belongings- yep all of my furniture as well as most of my other belongings - gone
His Family- Yep they are a grueling eight hours away and some days I miss them so much I feel that my heart just might explode. It literally gets tense and I get this sick feeling when I think about being so far away from them and the other people I love.
His sense of security- totally gone. I feel on guard always, and always on the defense
His health- we won't go into detail, just know that I have been dealing with physical issues that I never had before not to mention the mental health ups and downs
His transportation- check. I had to get rid of my mazda3 because I couldn't afford it.
His income- gone. I was let go the day Clay died. Financial aid cannot offer me any more loans and for the first time in two years I have had to live from a credit card.Too bad they didn't have jewish food stamps back then.

and the list goes on.

The last three days have been exceptionally difficult and honestly I want to walk away from it all. From schoo, from these trials, from North Carolina, from Life in general. I saw a news airing recently where they recently transplanted a face. It was a huge medical breakthrough. Anyone ever heard of a life transplant because I am pretty sick of this one right now? I am thinking Beyonce will do just fine for me :)  I am feeling more like Job's wife right now- I want to curse God and get my life back not be stuck with this hell  that Clay left behind for me.  Again, I don't understand why I was chosen to endure this because I am simply not that great of a person...I am no Job. On the flip side I am also am not that bad of a bad person to deserve to be destroyed and punished either. For the most part, I led a pretty good "Christian life" before all of this. So why is all this happening? Why am I still being tested or punished (whichever)? When does this end? How much more can I take? I know it sounds like a lot of complaining, and it is... but it's just not fair and today I am having a moment...a big one. My faith is being tested greatly and I am afraid that it is currently losing. Please life me up.

On the plus side...
 ¹⁰ After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver^[a] and a gold ring


I am expecting a lot of jewelry when this is over:)

Belated Mother's day tribute

I HATE running. Even so I usually get an itch to make myself a "runner" about every 6 months. I start training and try to distract myself from the torture (and embarrassment) of my body jiggling as I bouncy walk down the road. The best distraction I have found is music, typically at a very loud level. I have compiled a playlist of high energy pump up songs on my ipod for just the occasion. I even know exactly how long each song is and have timed it to increase in energy right when I am hitting my workout wall.

I have ALWAYS loved this song. It speaks such empowerment and it is the only song that I can always count on to give me that extra umph to go just a little farther. On a really bad day I literally listen to this song on repeat about 7 times because my body just won't run to anything else. It has been my "running song" for many years now. Previously I used to think about it as a song to food. You know, I am better without you and I will survive etc. I often still think of it as a boo-ya to my food addiction. However, in recent months the song has taken on a new meaning. It very much speaks to my situation. I am a survivor and I have such great support! Furthermore it doesn't talk about getting revenge or holding a grudge it simply is a battle cry of empowerment and moving on. It is about learning from your experience and deciding not to let what has happened to you dictate who you are but rather allowing it to develop your character even more. That is exactly what I am doing. I don't have to bring those that hurt me down to feel like I have been brought up. My absolute favorite part of the song is in the middle. It goes like this...

I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate on you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma taught me better than that.

Boy did I have an opportunity to blast people on the internet, to blast people and their family and to hold a grudge and my flesh side says it all would have been deserved. But I didn't. I do wish all of them success, no stress and happiness and like the song, I am not willing to compromise my testimony. Why?

Cause my momma taught me better than that! Thank God for incredible mommas like mine. Boy am I blessed to have her!!!

Proverbs 31:2 8Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her.

mother's day and Father's (capital F) days

I just finished a wonderful day spent at the Mall of Georgia. It was full of shopping, laughing, eating and great company! The evening ended with a great movie, Thor, on the Imax. Awesome! As the movie ended and I was about to leave the theatre I was consumed with one thought, Donna. Yes, that's right...Donna, Clay's mother. To put it mildly, she is not exactly at the top of my favorite persons list. So why was so so heavy on my mind and heart? It hit me that tomorrow will be her first mother's day without her son. My heart absolutely aches for her. The entire way home it was all I could think about and the hurt for her was so great that I was almost in tears. I was shocked at how overwhelmingly this realization struck me. I thought of her joy on the day she gave birth to him. I thought of all the memories she must have of mother's days past. I thought of her emptiness tomorrow as she goes through her first mother's day without him and of all the similar days to follow. It was tormenting.

Then I had another thought. If I can feel this greatly, as a non-mother, for another woman's loss of a child that seriously negatively impacted me, then how greatly does God mourn the loss of His own children? Now, I don't mean the physical loss since we know that any child of God never really dies since we have the undeserved, grace-given gift of an eternity with out Father . I am talking about spiritual loss. Lost souls, strayed children, children that, like Clay, are separated from a loving parent by a choice they made while their parent is left grieving this choice. If my heart aches for Donna, who simply carried Clay, how does God's heart ache for the child he made? If My heart aches for Donna on this one special day  that is hers but how does God's heart ache on all days which are His? He made us to be His children, to walk with Him and to take part in His glorious blessings. Oh how He must hurt when we choose to separate ourselves from the gift of Him. Oh, how he must long for His children that have yet to chose Him, for those who walked away and even those who simply have faltered. How He absolutely longs to be near to us and how we consistently trade His love for the emptiness of sin. How many time have I separated myself? How am I doing it now? I was so convicted by these thoughts tonight I simply had to write them down. I hope that you have an incredibly blessed mother's day tomorrow and an incredibly blessed Father's day everyday!

Isaiah 59:2 But your sinful acts have seperated you from God

Romans 5:8  But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

"To sleep perchance to dream" William Shakesphere

screw dreaming- at this point I will just take the sleep.  I am still having a very hard time sleeping. Last night I took an ambien about 11:00 pm and tried to sleep. At about 11:30 I had another mini anxiety attack. 5 out of 6 prescriptions, 4 hours, lots of internet double checking the psychiatrist's promise of no drug interactions, a fluffy pillow and some pandora piano music later- I FINALLY went to sleep... for 4 hours. Arg, I am feeling uber frustrated about the situation.  No sleep leads to frustration which leads to anxiety which leads to no sleep. Not good. It is a vicious cycle that I must break. Please, please please pray with me for some good rest. Thanks!

Quitters never win- or do they?

Like I said, I went on a vacation recently to Chattanooga and had a great time. I spent a great deal of time planning each thing I would need for the 4 days. To quote Mrs. Potato Head..." I packed my angry eyes... just in case" and boy did I need them. I looked through my grades online when I was at Panera and I noticed that I was missing a grade for an assignment in one of my classes. This particular class had a series of labs that I needed to complete and I was missing lab 5 out of 6. I e-mailed my professor and she let me know that there were no written requirements for that assignment because she wanted to make sure that each person was actually listening to each of the lectures. Pretty smart, huh? Well, you guessed it- I missed the assignment.

I did listen to the lectures but I guess I just missed what she said. When I was having such a hard time concentrating at the beginning of the semester Stephanie suggested that I do a task while I listened. Cooking has always been very therapeutic for me so I often listened to lectures while I made dinner. It wasn't optimum but I did better than when I would just try to sit and concentrate. Even if I hadn't heard her give the assignment you would think that I would have noticed that I went straight from lab 4 to lab 5. Under normal circumstances I would. However, I was always behind in each class and I just missed it.

My professor was very kind about the whole situation and let me know that she understood what a difficult semester it has been for me. None the less, this was "academic smack down" number two now and all I could think was- "this is not me!" I am so disappointed in how this semester has gone. I wonder if  my professors think I should have quit or taken the semester off, do I? Do they feel like they are constantly doing me favors because of this situation? Do they feel like I really earned these grades? Do I feel like I earned these grades? Do they actually think my performance reflects my commitment? Do they think that my knowledge from this semester will be sufficient to allow me to be an effective clinician? Do I?

I certainly know that these were extenuating circumstances but I still can't help but wonder? Should I have taken the semester off? I am worried about what my professors think of me because this semester simply wasn't an accurate portrayal of my true self or my commitment. I realized that I was disappointed. I am disappointed in the outcome of this semester and how much I feel I missed but I am not disappointed in myself. I have chosen to extend grace to myself. That said, I am mad as a hornet at Clay. I am mad that he put me in this position. I am mad that I missed out on some of my school. I am mad that I feel my integrity has been called into question yet again. I am mad that I had to move in the middle of the semester. I am just plain mad. I feel like it is one thing for him to chose to take away his life but why did he also take away mine? How is he still affecting me three months after being dead. Mad, mad, mad white woman tonight.

Jehovah-jireh - "God the Provider"

I know that God is my provider but I often like to take credit for his provisions by convincing myself they are a result of my good planning. He has always provided everything that I need and has never let me down. That being said, I still worry about how things will turn out and when my plans fail I still get nervous about where provisions will come from. Even though He has never let me down I still get surprised each time that God comes through. I sit back like "wow! that wasn't part of my plan. how did you do that?" I think that God often waits until the last minute just so that I will know it was Him. If He doesn't wait I often convince myself that I provided and planned for myself (hahahaha like I am really in control of anything. Oh how I like to deceive myself)

Most recently, God sent a big "I've got this!" reminder in regards to school.  I was really worried about how I would pay for school. I needed $980 for the first summer session and another $900 for second summer session. I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay for school and to live off of for the summer. Clay and I had planned this in advance and as part of our plan I had saved up just enough for school. We were planning on saving together for living expenses.  I applied for financial aid but because I was already "maxed out" for the year they told me I was not eligible. I have been really stressing about how I would pay for school. I know that I have amazing and loving parents that would never leave me out in the cold if it came to it but they have given me so much I didn't want to ask them for more. I have been praying for God's provision and He answered in a big way! Last week I got an unexpected check for $971. WOW! First summer session was paid! I was so excited that I only had to come up with money for the second summer session. Then this week I got an e-mail that they (shockingly) approved me for financial aid in the amount of $894! Woo-hoo! God is so Good. He provided the exact amount that I needed. What an awesome, powerful, loving and capable God we serve and how often we forget about His provisions for us. Thank you Jehovah-jireh!

Phil. 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

I will praise you through the storm...

I have been so blessed in the last four days to go on a wonderful mini vacation. I spent some time in Chattanooga and had a blast at all the attractions. Originally I was going to go for the weekend and be back by Monday, just in time to finish my finals. Unfortunately, due to a funeral this weekend the trip was postponed until Sunday-Wednesday. I still had some work to do and figured that I would just find a local coffee shop to get wi-fi. Well the recent tornados thwarted that plan. It took me 4 coffee shops in two different cities to find one that worked (way to go Panera!) When I finally got there it was like finding water in a desert.

From just my seat I could see 15 laptops. Wow! Everyone was searching for outlets and one guy even brought in extension cords from home to let everyone share.  Seeing their need gave me mixed emotions. I was heartened to see the way these Chattanoogans were banding together to support one another. I loved seeing them sharing outlets and giving emotional support to each other in the shop. I loved seeing the donation cans everywhere to help one another and I loved seeing the united feeling of these people and how strong they were standing with one anther. One of the days it rained pretty badly and the tension and fear of another tornado was palpable. I stopped to talk to some of the guys at the Incline Railway who said that now they were nervous even at the slightest bit of rain.

While I was so inspired to see the “can’t keep a good man down” attitude I was also saddened to see just how great the storm damage was. There were trees, power lines and telephone poles down everywhere. There were entire stretches of highway that were completely covered in people’s belongings. Furniture, papers and clothing were strewn about like fallen leaves.  There were entire streets blocked off because trees were everywhere and blue tarps crowned homes like battle scars.. It was if to call out “I might have been knocked down but I am not out yet.” Cars were crushed and so were spirits. I talked to one woman at one of the coffee shops who had 3 kids and had had no power in 6 days. She was lamenting to me about all her attempts to contact power and internet companies with no avail. My heart went out to her and to all the other people I met. I felt badly that here I was enjoying  a vacation and their lives had just been ravaged. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t from here. I simply smiled and offered that I too had trouble finding an internet connection. She seemed to appreciate the solidarity.

I was so struck by the way this city has been so damaged. I feel that my life went through it’s own tornado in the last 6 months. Just like these people, a great storm that was completely out of my control swept through my life and just left pieces strewn everywhere. Just like the woman in the coffee shop I have been searching for the smallest reminder of normalcy. Like the man at the railway, I am on a heightened alert for anything that reminds me of the storm and my body literally tenses at just the possibility of more “rain.” We have all been through a tornado at some point in time. Whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual we have all been battered at some point. Just as I was reminded this weekend, let us not forget to reach out to others as they are trying to recover as well. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own tornado and how it might have landed a tree on our car that we don’t even realize that our neighbor has lost their entire house. Who do you know that is battling a tornado right now and how can you help?

Just breathe

Ok so this video is hilarious and spoofs a bit at panic attacks. While this is hysterical, I can assure you that the real deal is not so fun. In an effort to receive the prayerful support I need I have decided to be completely transparent in what I am going through right now. I am having a very, very hard time with the idea of going back to North Carolina. I have had random crying episodes over the last two weeks and haven't slept much. Today reached a new level as I had a massive panic attack this morning that lasted about 45 min and included hyperventilation (almost to the point of passing out), uncontrolled shaking of my hands and feet and unstoppable crying. It was very scary and very much out of my control.

I have had one other panic attack before about 8 months ago. I stepped onto a plane that looked like a toy out of a cracker jack box. All I could think was this looks like every plane in every movie that I have seen crash. It is so small (only about 12 people) that they wouldn't even put it on the news if it crashed. The airlines wouldn't even care about keeping us safe because nobody would even know if we went down. When the captain came on about 1.5 hours after takeoff to announce that due to severe storms in Atlanta we would be making an emergency landing since we had run out of gas... I lost it. Enter panic attack.

The one today was worse. I know cognitively that everything will be all right and that once I get back to school I will be fine. I know I am meant to finish this degree and honestly I refuse to let Clay take another thing from me. I started this degree for myself and I am going to finish it for myself. It is about me. I need to do it for me. That said- I am petrified and apparently my body is not getting the message that it will be ok. I am so thankful for all the support that I have up there and I really, really miss everyone. I can't describe how strange it is to yearn for and loathe a single place simultaneously.

Unfortunately, Greenville is not a safe place for me emotionally. It is where I was hurt, where I was deceived, where my whole world fell apart. I am terrified to go back. It is like being a near drowning victim and being asked to jump right back in the ocean.

Thankfully, I was actually on my way to a pre-arranged Dr's visit when I had my attack this morning. She was very helpful and on the plus side there is no need for me to go back to school now as I am pretty sure I could make a living off all the drugs she prescribed. I am like a walking pharmacy now:) However, since I do not condone drug trafficking of any kind and would never do that guess I better go back.

I am having a hard time feeling like I am "crazy" since I cannot seem to control my body right now. For someone who is an uber control freak it is throwing me for a huge loop. It takes a lot for me to admit to you guys that I am dealing with this problem but I am really in need of some prayer warriors right now. I have been assured by the doctor that I am not crazy, and as a psychiatrist she would know, but that I have been through severe trauma and sometimes we cannot control how our body reacts no matter how hard we want to. I have not slept well in about two weeks. Please pray for restful sleep, decreased anxiety, no more panic attacks and a smooth transition back to NC. Thank you all for your support. It means more than you know.

"Honey, it is slap your momma kind of good!"

I have had the most wonderful blessing the last week. I was able to observe two wonderful speech-pathologists at the hospital outpatient center. It was ah-may-zing!!! I loved every minute of it and got to see all the types of patients that I have only read about in books thus far. What a wonderful shot of encouragement to get me excited about finishing school.

I had met a particularly delightful patient that was a precious old lady with spunk that rivaled Sophia of the Golden Girls. She was fabulous and I loved all of her little sayings like "colder than a well-diger in January" or " my house is so clean a fly could slide across the floor and break it's neck". Absolutely fabulous. She shared a recipe with me that was a "slap your momma kind of good" that I made for dinner last night. It really was that good. I jazzed it up a bit but thought I would share something to nourish your belly rather than your soul this time :)

Zucchini Lasagna

6 zucchini
fresh basil
2 bags 8oz mozzarella
15 oz ricotta (fat free if you wish)
15 oz cottage cheese (fat free if you wish)
one egg
one bottle of Ragu chunky any flavor
1 lb ground turkey browned and seasoned with Italian seasonings
grated parmesan

Slice the zucchini length wise. Combine the ricotta and cottage cheese with the egg.

cover the bottom of the lasagna pan with about 1 cup Ragu. place a layer of the sliced zucchini to cover the sauce. Tear fresh basil and place over zucchini. sprinkle with 3/4 c of the turkey. Cover with the cottage/ricotta cheese mixture. cover with 1 bag mozzarella. Repeat as many times as desired. Top with italian seasonings and parmesan cheese if desired. Bake at 375 for about an hour.

Delicious. You never miss the pasta and it is so good. bon appetit y'all!


Such a much needed blessing for me this week to experience my time at the hospital! Thank you God for your blessings in all forms- especially new friends friends and food!!!! (boy does He know the way to this girl's heart of what?!)


Mattthew 25:35 I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.

Surprise!

Ok the last month has been crazy, crazy, crazy. I am almost done with all of my finals and projects and have decided to take a break to blog. Woo-hoo! I have missed it tremendously.

So the biggest surprise came about a month ago. My friend Jessie came to visit me and told me on the way down that she had a surprise, "kinda a big surprise", to share with me. I thought through the possibilities and figured it must be that my friend Colleen or my friend Heather had decided to join her. I got really excited about this possibility but tried not to get my hopes up too high in case I was wrong.

When Jessie pulled up it was apparent that either Heather/Colleen had taken advantage of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak (highly unlikely) or they weren't there. Jessie jumped out of the car and opened her trunk exclaiming "here it is!" as she pulls out a giant poster board. It almost looks like a giant, Ed McMann- style check. It has my name on it in bright colors and looks really cute. Although I wasn't really sure what it was I thought it was a nice thought and politely thanked her. Then she handed me a card. Again, I didn't really think much of it since Jessie could put any church card ministry to shame with her regular cards of encouragement. I just thought I had another one to add to the collection. Then I opened the card and a real check fell out. I am not sure if my jaw or the check hit the floor first. All of my friends got together to support me, financially and prayerfully, in my calling to share my testimony. They gave me $1,000 to pay to go to the writer's conference. I cannot tell you how humbled I was by this act. To see so many (about 50 in all) people who believe in me, believe in my testimony and believe in God's purpose for this experience was amazing.

Of course, you all are the ones who supported me so you already know the story :) I have to be honest my first thought was "Crap! I really have to do this now!" It is a HUGE step out of my comfort zone but that just further solidifies that this is Gods plan and not my own. I am so thankful for the support I just can't even express it. Thank you a million times over. I am officially registered for the she speaks conference and will be receiving instruction on speaking, writing and turning a blog into a book. I am so, so, so excited and can't wait! Thank you!

Sorry it's backwards. Apparently my mac works off of a mirror system :) but the smile is still HUGE!!!

Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you are too sick to go to school, you are too sick to play.

(sorry for the lapse in posting. It has been a crazy, fun, amazing, busy, surprising week and a half)

So last week I got in trouble at school<insert gasp here>. Yes, me. Self-proclaimed goody two-shoes. I occasionally got reprimanded for talking (shocking right) in school but almost never did I receive a poor grade or get in trouble for academics but this week I did. I completely missed an assignment that was due over a month ago. I simply missed it- I didn't even realize it was assigned. Unfortunately, when it comes to school I have been playing catch-up and just as I get closer to the "finish-line" it moves farther away. So I missed the deadline for the assignment as well as the extended deadline my professor so graciously offered me. Then, if that wasn't bad enough... I missed the first e-mail she sent asking for the assignment immediately. I can't stand our school e-mail network and as a result of the idiotic categorical "filing" system I often miss new e-mails. So I was just about distraught when I received a smack-down e-mail in a very strong tone letting me know she needed immediate communication, the assignment and was frustrated with my lack of respect for her kindness towards me- well that was the gist of it, at least. It was very, very warranted and certainly understandable and founded on her part, especially when I didn't respond to the first e-mail. On both accounts I understand where she is coming from, and honestly wouldn't have been so gracious if I were in her place, but I felt terrible that it appeared I had done this intentionally.

Now let me let you in on a little secret about myself- I am a HUGE people pleaser. I think this comes from a variety of origins ie: I am naturally a people pleaser, I receive love through words of affirmation, when I was physically unattractive I tried to make myself more attractive to people by being a "good girl"and I often felt that each time another person in my family disappointed my mom I needed to work that much harder and be that much better to make up for it. In short I absolutely CANNOT STAND to have someone disappointed in me. You can yell at me all day and I won't even be phased but if you tell me you are disappointed I am crushed.

I have such a heavy conscience that I even told on myself as a child. I remember one time in particular
when I cut myself slicing some cheese. I always thought it was neat that my mom would cut apples towards her (I think it is a skill they teach you in mommy 101) so I tried to do it even thought she told me not to. I cut myself and ran to her sobbing, not because I was hurt but because "I cut towards myself and you told me not to. I am so sorry mom, I am just so sorry." Of course she was only worried about my safety but I was so heavy laden by my deceit that I remember it all these years later.

So when I got this e-mail I was so upset. I hated thinking that my actions reflected an unappreciative, uncommitted sentiment. I beat myself up for days and when I talked with Stephanie about it she really helped. I told her how frustrated I was that socially I could go out and have a great time just like myself but academically I still found it like torture to read just one chapter. As I got farther and farther behind in school the task seemed overwhelming and more than once I thought about just calling it quits all together. I was so frustrated with myself because I, like most families, grew up in a house where if you were "too sick for school you were too sick to play." Stephanie helped me realize that my "play" time is actually facilitating my school time. It is helping me heal and because mentally it does not require the same effort it is unfair to judge myself as though they were equal. Just because I am getting better I am still in recovery from severe trauma and it is ok to give myself a little grace. She helped me set out a school plan to get things accomplished and I am happy to send out the praise that I am caught up in almost every class! ( I also got the grade back for that assignment and got an 18/20!!! Praise the Lord) I am also learning, yet again, how to offer myself grace in this very long journey. Some steps take such great effort and I feel so weak but I am thankful that it is not my strength I live by:)

Psalm 71:16 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, even of thine only.

I am in the Lords' army, yes sir!

Ok, how many of you went to VBS, christian camp, sunday school etc. where you got to sing all the great songs? You know songs like deep and wide, Peace like a river, B-I-B-L-E and of course the Lord's army! Why is it that we sing these songs as a kid? Because they are a fun way of remembering God's truth yet as adults we seem to forget the truth behind them and just think of them as silly kid's songs.

Well I was reminded of the truth in God's army just this week. At griefshare this week we had three new friends come and join us. Of the three TWO were people my age, how awesome! Even beyond that I met an angel that God sent just for me. She has been through an eerily similar situation... a betrayal of her husband, his suicide, his double life, his debt, his unsupportive family, people remembering a different person than who she learned he was and judging her grief based on that, the loss of her home and car etc. I mean what an awesome gift sent straight from above that someone understands my situation! I have been able to find people that share bits and pieces of my story- maybe someone whose husband was unfaithful, or someone whose husband dies, or someone grieving a suicide, or someone my age grieving etc. but NOBODY has all of the unique characteristics of my situation. I hate for her that she is having to go through the same thing as me but I am so incredibly thankful to God that He has brought her to me. I have no doubt that this is one more angel that God is allowing me to share. I can't wait to see where my new friendship takes me.

I am always so encouraged by my wonderful griefshare fiends and I am always reminded that we are indeed in an army. The song doesn't say "I am one of God's special ops secret agents, 10-4" It says we are in an army.We are not secret agents that go off on our own but we are called to fight together, to stand strong right next to one another, to support each other and to literally leave no man behind. Each meeting I go to I am reminded of just how great and mighty God's army really is and that I do not fight this battle alone. Yes it's true... I'm in the Lord's army- yes sir!

2 Tim. 2:3-4  Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer.

I could kill you for dying!

 I had an amazingly productive day. More so than I have had in a while. By 4:00pm I watched 3 classes, completed a test, got my social security death benefit taken care of, wrote 6 thank you notes, sent two e-mails, did two blog posts, started a project, went running (well it is more like bouncy walking), took a shower, made lunch, cleaned the kitchen, paid three bills, and finished sending off Clay's tax stuff. It was wonderful. I was ready to head out for a great movie night with Brent and I went to check the mail. WHAM!!! Grief train hit.

I opened a letter from Allstate letting me know they were rejecting my coverage. I was a customer with state farm and then Clay had me switch, only 10 days before he died- why? Now I am stuck paying for both of us because when I switched they found a recent speeding ticket...don't get me started... and long story short it is cheaper for me to pay for us together than just me. However, it would have been better for me to just stay put with state farm but it is just one more example of how Clay screwed me. Anyways, the letter stated that I could not be covered because there were late fees on my credit report, a recent credit card opened and unpaid fees. Well... I have NEVER missed or been late on any payment, My most recently opened card is from 4 years ago and my oldest card is 8 years old and I am completely debt free so there is no way that I have unpaid cards. It is all related to Clay. Obviously if he is dead things aren't getting paid and since my name is attached to his on the account my credit dropped too.  Oh I was so mad. As I stood in my driveway with tears running down my face all I could think was "Clay I could kill you for dying. You are lucky you are already gone" I called the Alstate people and two calls later all was well. It was all a mistake, I never lost coverage and they sent the letter accidently. The second people I talked to were great!

I think I was still raw from talking to the social security people earlier. The social security guy was very nice but I had to answer a lot of questions about my marriage. Then he said the date of death he had was Feb 11. I corrected him and told him the actual death date was Jan 20th but they found his body on Feb. 11. The man said "Oh was he in the military, is that how he died?" You have no idea how badly I wanted to say yes, to have pride associated with Clay's death and not the awful shame that suicide brings. I said no, he committed suicide and of course, like everyone else, the man's tone immediately changes to the shameful widow tone.

I was still so upset after talking to the Allstate people so I called my mom and cried to her for a while. I couldn't figure out why I was still so angry when both phone calls had gone well. Then I realized that I am mad he is still hurting me. I am mad that I have to keep dealing with stuff and cleaning up his messes. I am mad that as hard as I am trying to move on he just keeps popping up. I am mad that I am identified by his shame that he felt was too much to bear. I am mad that I am now just his widow and not just me. I am mad that he can still make me cry even though he is gone. I am mad...just plain mad. I am thankful that although my husband was craptastic (for lack of a better word) my God is just the opposite. He loves me enough to allow me days just to be mad. He let's me cry, beat on His chest and curse one of His other children. Then he takes me in his awesome and incredible arms, wraps me tightly and whispers His love for me. I am so, so, so mad at the disappointment that Clay has been but I am so, so, so thankful that my idea of love is not defined by him.

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Forgive me Father for I have sinned

I am not a huge reader. I am getting better but I have to admit my absolute favorite books are children's books. I can read them quickly, I know all the words, I don't have to remember what happened last time I read, the good guys always win and I love the pictures. That being said I do, occasionally, read adult books. There are two christian books that I credit with revolutionizing my faith walk, Redeeming Love and Blue Like Jazz. Redeeming Love taught me about a personal relationship with Christ. In the book God talks directly to the characters. I remember thinking, oh how I wish God would talk to me. Then like a ton of bricks God revealed " Erin! I talk to you ALL the time. You just never gave me the credit." Whoa. He's right. He talks to me all the time, all those conversations I have with "myself" or "my conscious" they are all the Spirit. HA! How highly I think of myself to think those wonderful, truthful thought come from me. They are all of Christ. He talks all the time, I just took the credit.

Blue Like Jazz is a Christian book from a non -christian perspective. My favorite part in the book is when the guy is talking about a three day drugs/alcohol festival that his school had every year. Classes are canceled, they hire paramedics for bad trips, hire police to keep the "real" cops at bay and put up big lights to induce better highs. It is a huge three day festival of drugs, alcohol and sex. The author and his small group of Christian friends decide they are going to set up a confession booth right in the middle of it. Mind you this is the equivalent of wearing a Duke shirt in Chapel Hill... prepared to be killed. One of the stoners stumbles into the booth and rants about how he supposes he is expected to confess all that he has done that weekend. The author looks at him in love and says "No. I want to confess to you." You can imagine the shock on the inebriated man's face as the author proceeds to confess about all the sins of Christians, the judgements, the pretentious behavior, the false hierarchy of sins etc. What an incredible testimony to humble ourselves, especially to the people we wrongly deem "less worthy" than us. As soon as I read that I pulled aside my good friend Nicole and confessed everything I could think of to her. My selfishness, my malicious thoughts, any lies I had, my lack of tithing, everything I could think of. That was about 5 years ago and it's time for another confession.

Last night in grief share one of the men on the movie said "nobody grieves perfectly because we are all sinful and flawed." It got me thinking, how have I not grieved perfectly? Well, friends, it is time for some  apologies.

• I pushed away people... friends. I didn't talk to many people and still haven't. I didn't answer e-mails, FB messages or phone calls. I was so overwhelmed I simply couldn't do it but I know it hurt some people and I am sorry for that. 
• I had an incredible outpour of support and I did not let everyone know how much I appreciated each thing. I am sorry.
• I stuffed feelings down. I didn't want to cry, it was pointless it didn't change anything. I was wrong. I shouldn't have suppressed my emotions. I apologize to myself for not allowing myself more grace in how I was feeling.
• Resentment and anger. I harbored a great deal of bitterness and hurt over what was done to me. I need to let it go and I have, or at least I am trying;) It is not my place to carry that around or to judge. I am truly sorry to those I harbored bitterness towards and I ask forgiveness.

phew. It is like a cleansing of the soul. If you are any of the people that I hurt in my grieving please accept my apology for I am certainly an imperfect person in grief and in life. I appreciate you all and am so blessed by each person in my life! Lots of love!

Proverbs 28:13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.

Glee Cast - Loser Like Me [lyrics] [full song]

In true Sofia from Golden Girls fashion... picture it. Sandy Springs 1999. A young girl who weighed about 225, had braces, no license, rode the bus every day, someone who loved drama and music, only friends were band geeks and was a total book nerd. Yep, as hard as it might be to believe I was not the coolest kid in high school. I was a loser... a total loser. God bless the Glee writers for making a show that glorifies losers like me (even if it is twelve years later) This is their most recent original song. I LOVE it!!! It is everything I wish I could have said when I was the tortured kid in school. Way to go making it cool to be a loser!

In church this past Sunday the pastor was talking about just that...being a loser for God. He told the story of the prodigal son. How he came crawling back desiring to be a servant in his father's home. His older brother's reaction was basically "so what? Who cares if he is here? I was the faithful one, not him. He is a loser" How many times have I prided myself on feeling like I was more like the older brother? I have prided myself on my faithfulness to God and at times even judged the other "losers" that I have seen walk away from God. But the father humbles himself, the one who did nothing wrong, and runs to scoop up his loser son in his arms. He is overjoyed at his son's return and sees nothing of a loser in him because his love for his child overshadows it all. I don't know about you but I would rather be the loser younger son for God any day rather than the pretentious older son and I am willing to bet that if you are honest you know you want to be a loser like me! Bring on the braces!

Luke 15

21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ [2] 22 But the father said to his servants, [3] ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23 And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

Hallelujer!

I apologize for not writing it has been a crazy week but a great one.

I had wonderful St. Patrick's day with my good friend Lakia. It was my first time ever celebrating the great green holiday and I had a blast! Then I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday loving meeting a MUCH more fun "grieving Erin"! Today I went to 12 Stone church again and really enjoyed the message. God sent me some pretty clear "listen up" signals in church this morning and I thought I should share.

The pastor was talking about community in church. He was saying that it is our job as Christians to "connect and protect" that community. The connect part is pretty straight forward- God says in the bible many times that we are to connect with one another, support each other, parts of the body etc... in short- be part of a church. The protect part is where God smacked me with a big "Listen up" sign. The pastor was talking about dissension within the church. He said that as long we continue to gossip, lie, cheat and stir up dissension within the church, how can we look at non-christians and advise them on their lives? To which I would like to add a huge AMEN! He then talked about a few verses in Proverbs 6 that talk about the seven things God hates most, one of them being people who stir up issues, who give false witness and who slander others. (ring a bell?) Is anyone else feeling the need to stand up and throw out a Madea "hallelujer?"

Just as I was about to stand up and scream- preach it brother! Can I put you on speaker phone with a certain person in NC who really needs to hear a message about slander and stirring up dissension? God sent the smack down. He said...Erin, I have you on speakerphone to hear this message right now. If you are here and Donna isn't what makes you think this message isn't for you not her?  Ok... I am listening. Again, I am reminded that He who is without blame should cast the first stone.  Well let me put down my rocks.  I thought to myself, how many times have I stirred up distention? How many times have I slandered someone's name? How many times have I poured gas, not water, on the flame of gossip? How many times have I participated in the good 'ole southern tradition of spreading rumors with the disguise of adding"well bless her heart" or "I'm not gossipin y'all but we need to pray for so and so. Did you hear..."? Even just listening to these things adds my name to the list of people who do the things God hates most. Whoa. Yum! Yum! Humble pie again!

You Complete Me

Ok and the collective "awwwwwww" comes out. Who doesn't love that part of Jerry Maguire? It is so sweet. We can't help but have our hearts melt as we dream about finding that perfect person who will complete us.

So in my session with Stephanie today she asked me a question that really took me aback. She asked, "What did Clay give to you in your relationship?" What? what did he give to me, lies and a pain in the butt mess to clean up after he died(that was my immediate thought but not what I said) After I thought about it for a while my answer surprised me.

he gave me myself. He was gone so much and so often that I was always alone. He was disconnected from our marriage in almost all aspects. Here I had my "perfect man", I had the ring, the big wedding, the nice house and the plans for the 2.5 kids but I wasn't complete. why? I had everything that society told me I needed to be complete but I wasn't. I had to learn to be complete in myself, to be complete in God. I think that was the greatest gift that Clay gave me. He freed me of an unfair expectation of him and of myself. I will never again expect someone else to complete me or to make me happy. That is an unfair burden and responsibility to place on another person. They will never complete you, they will never make you completely happy. Joy comes from God who is unfailing in His love and perfection...THAT is where we become complete. Conversely I never expect my partner to have me complete them. What a gift to one another to remove that unfair expectation and what a gift to ourselves. Think about it if you need someone to complete you then you each only bring half of yourselves to the picture, .5+.5 = 1, but if you each bring your whole self completed in God to a relationship you get double your return... 1+1=2! Why would you ever want to live as just a part of yourself. We are complete in Christ, we are loved and we are made whole and beautiful through Him! Even Tom Cruise can't offer that:)

1 Thess. 5:23- And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body may be preserved blameless to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.