Here's what I remember of Jan 20 2011- coming home from bible study to a text message that Clay had not shown up to work. Telling my incredible friend Colleen that "you might not want to come in the house. Clay hasn't shown up to work. I don't know where he is and I don't know what you are getting yourself into" and having her stay anyways. (have I mentioned that I love her?) I remember learning about a bit of Clay's past, namely that he had disappeared before. I remember literally jumping out of a moving vehicle because I thought I saw him at church. I remember sending an e-mail to my professors that I could not see patients the next day. I remember that it was a horrible, horrible, horrible night. It was a horrible week that followed and in all honesty, a horrible year that followed. However, God teaches us through both the good and bad times and here is an update of what has happened to me in the last year...
Emotionally: Oh sheesh, I have been on a roller coaster both up and down. I have had days of anger, anguish, sadness, joy, hysteria, severe anxiety, happiness and contentment. I have been angry, happy, sad, disappointed, appreciative, faithful, bitter, resentful, questioning, thankful and even joyful about my last year. I have spoken to many different therapists about all of theses emotions, been placed on many different medications (some good and some bad) as a result of these emotions and learned the unfortunate truth that grief is a roller coaster and you must ride both the ups and downs of this coaster.
Physical: I initially lost about 15 lbs from lack of eating/stress and then gained about 30 lbs from grief and an effort to self-medicate with food and alcohol (not a wise decision). I am currently on a stringent mission to lose said 30 lbs thanks to a new gym membership and weight watchers. I have thankfully passed almost all STD tests with the exception of HPV. I have been diagnosed with high risk HPV (thanks Clay) and will find out within the month if it has turned into cervical cancer. I am currently waiting on biopsy results which will determine any future treatment and my ability to have kids. I also have 1 HIV test left but negative results on previous 3 tests makes me hopeful for the future.
professionally: I am in my final semester of graduate school. I have decided that it is my mission to serve in the public school. I will (God willing) graduate in May of this year and I feel that I have clawed my way through this degree inch by inch thus I am soooo looking forward to May 4th!
personal: I am dating a man that I am totally in love with. I never thought I would love anyone again and I had no idea what love really was. Clay completely distorted my image of true love as a result of his verbal and emotional abuse. I never really knew what it meant to be loved and appreciated by someone. I am thankful to be in a relationship with a man who tells me I am beautiful, makes extra effort to spend time with me and honors me for who I am. I am so blessed for knowing this man and have received a true gift for having been loved by him. I am grateful to be back in GA where I can be in contact with my family on a regular basis. I never realized how much I missed them before when I lived in NC and I am so thankful to be here. What a gift it is to have them in my daily life!
spiritual: I have to admit that this area of my life has probably changed the most. I still carry a lot of anger, frustration and lack of understanding. I don't understand God, I did everything you asked and this is what I get in return? I often find myself asking , "why me?" and almost immediately God answers...why not you? It's true- why not me? Does anyone ask for their husband to cheat on then especially with men? Does anyone ask for their financial status to be decimated? Does anyone ask to have cancer? Does anyone ask to lose friends/confidants/family members? Does anyone ask to be publicly slandered? Does anyone ask to go through trials? NO!!!!!!! So why not me? If God believes that I can walk through this then I have no choice but believe He knows best and thus I am much stronger than I thought!
1 year ago my life changed forever. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not like it. I did not enjoy it. I did not plan for it. I did not choose it... but I lived through it and I am thankful for the relationships I have built, the lessons I have learned and the way my life is different than it was just 1 year ago.
4 comments:
I wish I knew what to say. That's been my last year-wishing I could help but not being able to do anything. Just know that you are strong, you are beautiful, and you are loved. Ignore everything and everyone else who tells you differently. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you've done wrong. And love yourself because you are worth it. Remember, always be yourself and speak your mind. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Love you sweetie!
Still an inspiration. You are a strong beautiful and courageous woman Erin b/c that is how God made you. Whether you knew it or not He equipped you to handle all the trials of this past year.
I am thankful I met you and thankful for your transparency.
Keep on running your race. God is not finished with you. Submit it all to Him and watch him give you beauty for ashes.
Love and miss you!
Soooo have I told you lately that I love you!? And that you are Ah-May-Zing!!?? I am sorry you were chosen to go through the test/trial/fire/storm. Even if I could go back to that day - when you gave me the choice to stay or go... I'd still stay, even knowing all I know now... because you are worth it! ;) And God had a plan and He still has one for you. And I am here for Him to use freely to show His love for you <3 here on earth. Looking forward to seeing and experiencing the rainbows with you after the storm!
SO I just read this....sorry, very delayed response...but I want you to know that I am proud of you...and I love you.
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