Forgive me Father for I have sinned

I am not a huge reader. I am getting better but I have to admit my absolute favorite books are children's books. I can read them quickly, I know all the words, I don't have to remember what happened last time I read, the good guys always win and I love the pictures. That being said I do, occasionally, read adult books. There are two christian books that I credit with revolutionizing my faith walk, Redeeming Love and Blue Like Jazz. Redeeming Love taught me about a personal relationship with Christ. In the book God talks directly to the characters. I remember thinking, oh how I wish God would talk to me. Then like a ton of bricks God revealed " Erin! I talk to you ALL the time. You just never gave me the credit." Whoa. He's right. He talks to me all the time, all those conversations I have with "myself" or "my conscious" they are all the Spirit. HA! How highly I think of myself to think those wonderful, truthful thought come from me. They are all of Christ. He talks all the time, I just took the credit.

Blue Like Jazz is a Christian book from a non -christian perspective. My favorite part in the book is when the guy is talking about a three day drugs/alcohol festival that his school had every year. Classes are canceled, they hire paramedics for bad trips, hire police to keep the "real" cops at bay and put up big lights to induce better highs. It is a huge three day festival of drugs, alcohol and sex. The author and his small group of Christian friends decide they are going to set up a confession booth right in the middle of it. Mind you this is the equivalent of wearing a Duke shirt in Chapel Hill... prepared to be killed. One of the stoners stumbles into the booth and rants about how he supposes he is expected to confess all that he has done that weekend. The author looks at him in love and says "No. I want to confess to you." You can imagine the shock on the inebriated man's face as the author proceeds to confess about all the sins of Christians, the judgements, the pretentious behavior, the false hierarchy of sins etc. What an incredible testimony to humble ourselves, especially to the people we wrongly deem "less worthy" than us. As soon as I read that I pulled aside my good friend Nicole and confessed everything I could think of to her. My selfishness, my malicious thoughts, any lies I had, my lack of tithing, everything I could think of. That was about 5 years ago and it's time for another confession.

Last night in grief share one of the men on the movie said "nobody grieves perfectly because we are all sinful and flawed." It got me thinking, how have I not grieved perfectly? Well, friends, it is time for some  apologies.

• I pushed away people... friends. I didn't talk to many people and still haven't. I didn't answer e-mails, FB messages or phone calls. I was so overwhelmed I simply couldn't do it but I know it hurt some people and I am sorry for that. 
• I had an incredible outpour of support and I did not let everyone know how much I appreciated each thing. I am sorry.
• I stuffed feelings down. I didn't want to cry, it was pointless it didn't change anything. I was wrong. I shouldn't have suppressed my emotions. I apologize to myself for not allowing myself more grace in how I was feeling.
• Resentment and anger. I harbored a great deal of bitterness and hurt over what was done to me. I need to let it go and I have, or at least I am trying;) It is not my place to carry that around or to judge. I am truly sorry to those I harbored bitterness towards and I ask forgiveness.

phew. It is like a cleansing of the soul. If you are any of the people that I hurt in my grieving please accept my apology for I am certainly an imperfect person in grief and in life. I appreciate you all and am so blessed by each person in my life! Lots of love!

Proverbs 28:13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.