Just breathe

Ok so this video is hilarious and spoofs a bit at panic attacks. While this is hysterical, I can assure you that the real deal is not so fun. In an effort to receive the prayerful support I need I have decided to be completely transparent in what I am going through right now. I am having a very, very hard time with the idea of going back to North Carolina. I have had random crying episodes over the last two weeks and haven't slept much. Today reached a new level as I had a massive panic attack this morning that lasted about 45 min and included hyperventilation (almost to the point of passing out), uncontrolled shaking of my hands and feet and unstoppable crying. It was very scary and very much out of my control.

I have had one other panic attack before about 8 months ago. I stepped onto a plane that looked like a toy out of a cracker jack box. All I could think was this looks like every plane in every movie that I have seen crash. It is so small (only about 12 people) that they wouldn't even put it on the news if it crashed. The airlines wouldn't even care about keeping us safe because nobody would even know if we went down. When the captain came on about 1.5 hours after takeoff to announce that due to severe storms in Atlanta we would be making an emergency landing since we had run out of gas... I lost it. Enter panic attack.

The one today was worse. I know cognitively that everything will be all right and that once I get back to school I will be fine. I know I am meant to finish this degree and honestly I refuse to let Clay take another thing from me. I started this degree for myself and I am going to finish it for myself. It is about me. I need to do it for me. That said- I am petrified and apparently my body is not getting the message that it will be ok. I am so thankful for all the support that I have up there and I really, really miss everyone. I can't describe how strange it is to yearn for and loathe a single place simultaneously.

Unfortunately, Greenville is not a safe place for me emotionally. It is where I was hurt, where I was deceived, where my whole world fell apart. I am terrified to go back. It is like being a near drowning victim and being asked to jump right back in the ocean.

Thankfully, I was actually on my way to a pre-arranged Dr's visit when I had my attack this morning. She was very helpful and on the plus side there is no need for me to go back to school now as I am pretty sure I could make a living off all the drugs she prescribed. I am like a walking pharmacy now:) However, since I do not condone drug trafficking of any kind and would never do that guess I better go back.

I am having a hard time feeling like I am "crazy" since I cannot seem to control my body right now. For someone who is an uber control freak it is throwing me for a huge loop. It takes a lot for me to admit to you guys that I am dealing with this problem but I am really in need of some prayer warriors right now. I have been assured by the doctor that I am not crazy, and as a psychiatrist she would know, but that I have been through severe trauma and sometimes we cannot control how our body reacts no matter how hard we want to. I have not slept well in about two weeks. Please pray for restful sleep, decreased anxiety, no more panic attacks and a smooth transition back to NC. Thank you all for your support. It means more than you know.