I could kill you for dying!

 I had an amazingly productive day. More so than I have had in a while. By 4:00pm I watched 3 classes, completed a test, got my social security death benefit taken care of, wrote 6 thank you notes, sent two e-mails, did two blog posts, started a project, went running (well it is more like bouncy walking), took a shower, made lunch, cleaned the kitchen, paid three bills, and finished sending off Clay's tax stuff. It was wonderful. I was ready to head out for a great movie night with Brent and I went to check the mail. WHAM!!! Grief train hit.

I opened a letter from Allstate letting me know they were rejecting my coverage. I was a customer with state farm and then Clay had me switch, only 10 days before he died- why? Now I am stuck paying for both of us because when I switched they found a recent speeding ticket...don't get me started... and long story short it is cheaper for me to pay for us together than just me. However, it would have been better for me to just stay put with state farm but it is just one more example of how Clay screwed me. Anyways, the letter stated that I could not be covered because there were late fees on my credit report, a recent credit card opened and unpaid fees. Well... I have NEVER missed or been late on any payment, My most recently opened card is from 4 years ago and my oldest card is 8 years old and I am completely debt free so there is no way that I have unpaid cards. It is all related to Clay. Obviously if he is dead things aren't getting paid and since my name is attached to his on the account my credit dropped too.  Oh I was so mad. As I stood in my driveway with tears running down my face all I could think was "Clay I could kill you for dying. You are lucky you are already gone" I called the Alstate people and two calls later all was well. It was all a mistake, I never lost coverage and they sent the letter accidently. The second people I talked to were great!

I think I was still raw from talking to the social security people earlier. The social security guy was very nice but I had to answer a lot of questions about my marriage. Then he said the date of death he had was Feb 11. I corrected him and told him the actual death date was Jan 20th but they found his body on Feb. 11. The man said "Oh was he in the military, is that how he died?" You have no idea how badly I wanted to say yes, to have pride associated with Clay's death and not the awful shame that suicide brings. I said no, he committed suicide and of course, like everyone else, the man's tone immediately changes to the shameful widow tone.

I was still so upset after talking to the Allstate people so I called my mom and cried to her for a while. I couldn't figure out why I was still so angry when both phone calls had gone well. Then I realized that I am mad he is still hurting me. I am mad that I have to keep dealing with stuff and cleaning up his messes. I am mad that as hard as I am trying to move on he just keeps popping up. I am mad that I am identified by his shame that he felt was too much to bear. I am mad that I am now just his widow and not just me. I am mad that he can still make me cry even though he is gone. I am mad...just plain mad. I am thankful that although my husband was craptastic (for lack of a better word) my God is just the opposite. He loves me enough to allow me days just to be mad. He let's me cry, beat on His chest and curse one of His other children. Then he takes me in his awesome and incredible arms, wraps me tightly and whispers His love for me. I am so, so, so mad at the disappointment that Clay has been but I am so, so, so thankful that my idea of love is not defined by him.

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”