Quitters never win- or do they?

Like I said, I went on a vacation recently to Chattanooga and had a great time. I spent a great deal of time planning each thing I would need for the 4 days. To quote Mrs. Potato Head..." I packed my angry eyes... just in case" and boy did I need them. I looked through my grades online when I was at Panera and I noticed that I was missing a grade for an assignment in one of my classes. This particular class had a series of labs that I needed to complete and I was missing lab 5 out of 6. I e-mailed my professor and she let me know that there were no written requirements for that assignment because she wanted to make sure that each person was actually listening to each of the lectures. Pretty smart, huh? Well, you guessed it- I missed the assignment.

I did listen to the lectures but I guess I just missed what she said. When I was having such a hard time concentrating at the beginning of the semester Stephanie suggested that I do a task while I listened. Cooking has always been very therapeutic for me so I often listened to lectures while I made dinner. It wasn't optimum but I did better than when I would just try to sit and concentrate. Even if I hadn't heard her give the assignment you would think that I would have noticed that I went straight from lab 4 to lab 5. Under normal circumstances I would. However, I was always behind in each class and I just missed it.

My professor was very kind about the whole situation and let me know that she understood what a difficult semester it has been for me. None the less, this was "academic smack down" number two now and all I could think was- "this is not me!" I am so disappointed in how this semester has gone. I wonder if  my professors think I should have quit or taken the semester off, do I? Do they feel like they are constantly doing me favors because of this situation? Do they feel like I really earned these grades? Do I feel like I earned these grades? Do they actually think my performance reflects my commitment? Do they think that my knowledge from this semester will be sufficient to allow me to be an effective clinician? Do I?

I certainly know that these were extenuating circumstances but I still can't help but wonder? Should I have taken the semester off? I am worried about what my professors think of me because this semester simply wasn't an accurate portrayal of my true self or my commitment. I realized that I was disappointed. I am disappointed in the outcome of this semester and how much I feel I missed but I am not disappointed in myself. I have chosen to extend grace to myself. That said, I am mad as a hornet at Clay. I am mad that he put me in this position. I am mad that I missed out on some of my school. I am mad that I feel my integrity has been called into question yet again. I am mad that I had to move in the middle of the semester. I am just plain mad. I feel like it is one thing for him to chose to take away his life but why did he also take away mine? How is he still affecting me three months after being dead. Mad, mad, mad white woman tonight.