My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

One of the most beautiful parts of the crucifixion (to me) is when Jesus calls out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I love this part because it shows the sacrifice that Jesus was making for us, the anguish He was going through, the confusion He felt in His Father's decision and ultimately the love and trust to complete His task. Jesus was forsaken because he was blameless and perfect. He was the sacrifice needed for all of us to be free. He was the greatest gift, even better than a bag with pink polka dots and a swirly monogram. There was purpose in His being forsaken. It was heartbreakingly beautiful and necessary.

These last few months back in NC have certainly had their ups and downs. I am loving being with my friends at school, my Greenville/GCF friends and my Ryan family holds a special place in my heart now and forever.  I like feeling like a part of a family and I have enjoyed a couple of my favorite stores that we only have here, like New River Pottery, even if I don't have any money to do anything but window shop. However, there have been quite a bit of downs too. I have run into many roadblocks with school, the debtors harass the Ryan phone like they win a prize for it, I had to apply for food stamps since I lost my job and did not receive any of the life insurance money (a humbling experience I wasn't expecting but am still thankful for), I have had to deal with many issues left over from Clay, health issues, car issues and the general feeling of being constantly judged. Those that disapprove of me are watching for the slightest misstep to call me out and those that love me are watching for the slightest example of just how "crazy" I have become. Either way I feel that each move I make is so scrutinized. Everyone wants to see how the poor, wounded, widow deals with her return to real life and as a result I feel that I am jusged for both showing emotion as well as not. Not to mention that being back in a town where half the people know the truth and half do not is like playing a wretched game of whack-a-mole. People just "pop" up in my daily life and I feel I have to be on guard everywhere. I feel pigeon- holed in school, I am frustrated beyond belief with all these current trials and to think of making it to graduation seems the equivalent of asking me to climb mount Everest. I feel "forsaken" and I don't understand why. I am not blameless, I am not going to pay the price for millions of souls through my suffering, I am not going to revolutionize the faith...sheesh I am barely holding on to my own faith, what good am I to anyone else?

One of my friends told me early on that I should be thankful for my suffering. She said that like Job, I was chosen to prove my faithfulness. Let's look at some of the similarities. Job lost...
His house- yep, under foreclosure
His belongings- yep all of my furniture as well as most of my other belongings - gone
His Family- Yep they are a grueling eight hours away and some days I miss them so much I feel that my heart just might explode. It literally gets tense and I get this sick feeling when I think about being so far away from them and the other people I love.
His sense of security- totally gone. I feel on guard always, and always on the defense
His health- we won't go into detail, just know that I have been dealing with physical issues that I never had before not to mention the mental health ups and downs
His transportation- check. I had to get rid of my mazda3 because I couldn't afford it.
His income- gone. I was let go the day Clay died. Financial aid cannot offer me any more loans and for the first time in two years I have had to live from a credit card.Too bad they didn't have jewish food stamps back then.

and the list goes on.

The last three days have been exceptionally difficult and honestly I want to walk away from it all. From schoo, from these trials, from North Carolina, from Life in general. I saw a news airing recently where they recently transplanted a face. It was a huge medical breakthrough. Anyone ever heard of a life transplant because I am pretty sick of this one right now? I am thinking Beyonce will do just fine for me :)  I am feeling more like Job's wife right now- I want to curse God and get my life back not be stuck with this hell  that Clay left behind for me.  Again, I don't understand why I was chosen to endure this because I am simply not that great of a person...I am no Job. On the flip side I am also am not that bad of a bad person to deserve to be destroyed and punished either. For the most part, I led a pretty good "Christian life" before all of this. So why is all this happening? Why am I still being tested or punished (whichever)? When does this end? How much more can I take? I know it sounds like a lot of complaining, and it is... but it's just not fair and today I am having a moment...a big one. My faith is being tested greatly and I am afraid that it is currently losing. Please life me up.

On the plus side...
 ¹⁰ After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver^[a] and a gold ring


I am expecting a lot of jewelry when this is over:)