So last week I got in trouble at school<insert gasp here>. Yes, me. Self-proclaimed goody two-shoes. I occasionally got reprimanded for talking (shocking right) in school but almost never did I receive a poor grade or get in trouble for academics but this week I did. I completely missed an assignment that was due over a month ago. I simply missed it- I didn't even realize it was assigned. Unfortunately, when it comes to school I have been playing catch-up and just as I get closer to the "finish-line" it moves farther away. So I missed the deadline for the assignment as well as the extended deadline my professor so graciously offered me. Then, if that wasn't bad enough... I missed the first e-mail she sent asking for the assignment immediately. I can't stand our school e-mail network and as a result of the idiotic categorical "filing" system I often miss new e-mails. So I was just about distraught when I received a smack-down e-mail in a very strong tone letting me know she needed immediate communication, the assignment and was frustrated with my lack of respect for her kindness towards me- well that was the gist of it, at least. It was very, very warranted and certainly understandable and founded on her part, especially when I didn't respond to the first e-mail. On both accounts I understand where she is coming from, and honestly wouldn't have been so gracious if I were in her place, but I felt terrible that it appeared I had done this intentionally.
Now let me let you in on a little secret about myself- I am a HUGE people pleaser. I think this comes from a variety of origins ie: I am naturally a people pleaser, I receive love through words of affirmation, when I was physically unattractive I tried to make myself more attractive to people by being a "good girl"and I often felt that each time another person in my family disappointed my mom I needed to work that much harder and be that much better to make up for it. In short I absolutely CANNOT STAND to have someone disappointed in me. You can yell at me all day and I won't even be phased but if you tell me you are disappointed I am crushed.
I have such a heavy conscience that I even told on myself as a child. I remember one time in particular
when I cut myself slicing some cheese. I always thought it was neat that my mom would cut apples towards her (I think it is a skill they teach you in mommy 101) so I tried to do it even thought she told me not to. I cut myself and ran to her sobbing, not because I was hurt but because "I cut towards myself and you told me not to. I am so sorry mom, I am just so sorry." Of course she was only worried about my safety but I was so heavy laden by my deceit that I remember it all these years later.
So when I got this e-mail I was so upset. I hated thinking that my actions reflected an unappreciative, uncommitted sentiment. I beat myself up for days and when I talked with Stephanie about it she really helped. I told her how frustrated I was that socially I could go out and have a great time just like myself but academically I still found it like torture to read just one chapter. As I got farther and farther behind in school the task seemed overwhelming and more than once I thought about just calling it quits all together. I was so frustrated with myself because I, like most families, grew up in a house where if you were "too sick for school you were too sick to play." Stephanie helped me realize that my "play" time is actually facilitating my school time. It is helping me heal and because mentally it does not require the same effort it is unfair to judge myself as though they were equal. Just because I am getting better I am still in recovery from severe trauma and it is ok to give myself a little grace. She helped me set out a school plan to get things accomplished and I am happy to send out the praise that I am caught up in almost every class! ( I also got the grade back for that assignment and got an 18/20!!! Praise the Lord) I am also learning, yet again, how to offer myself grace in this very long journey. Some steps take such great effort and I feel so weak but I am thankful that it is not my strength I live by:)
Psalm 71:16 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, even of thine only.
2 comments:
People pleasing is a tough job...but I am right there with ya. Its stressful and in my experience impossible to accomplish every single time! You can't please every person in every situation. Someone is always going to be disappointed...thats a hard lesson that I have to learn every time it happens.
I know I have said it a thousand times, and I will continue to say it...and know that everytime it leaves my lips I mean it just as much as I did the very first time I said it...I am so proud of you. You have grown by leaps and bounds and the grace and maturity with which you have handled and continue to handle this situation is astounding!
Learn from your mistakes-pick yourself back up and dust yourself off-and keep right on trucking :)
hoooooooray for being closer to caught up....and woooohhhhoooo for good grades!
I am proud of you. I love you. I support you. I will do anything I can to help you in any way that I can. Always! Jess
Great insight. People pleaser here also. Although I am proud to say I am much more concerned about pleasing God then I am people these days and that removes a massive burden. Love you girl, keep on keeping on!!
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