Team Jacob or Team Edward... a post about conflictions.

Some teams are easy to chose. Coke or pepsi? Coke no contest! Mac or PC? mac! Beach or mountains? beach! hamburger or hotdog? hamburger! Some are not...

 I love the Twilight series... there I said it. Yes I am an adult woman who publicly and proudly renounces all things sci-fi but I just can't help but be engrossed in the saga that is Twilight. I even have to admit that in the second book I sat my grown self in the middle of Barnes and Nobles and cried like a baby when Edward left. I was so affected by the whole thing I felt like I had been dumped. I even went  straight from the bookstore to the gas station and bought the all time female coping mechanism, chocolate, to help me through my "break up". The characters became my friends and as I fell in love with both Edward and Jacob I found it hard to root for one or the other. Both sides had their positive aspects but I just felt wrong for leaning one way or the other. C'est la vie.

I just had a meeting with Stephanie- as always it was wonderful. It is funny I always go in there without anything in particular to talk about and then it just spills out of me. Thoughts, emotions and ideas that I didn't even realize I had just flow right out of me before I know it. This is a wonderful therapy tool (and I am certainly getting my money's worth) but it can be a bit scary too. It is strange to recognize truths about yourself that you didn't previously acknowledge. This week's grief theme... conflicting sides. Which team do I root for this time?

You see I feel like I have been called to a specific purpose. There is no doubt in my mind that God has called me, specifically, for a great mission through this testimony. However, I feel completely inadequate to fulfill this mission.

I feel so conflicted in my emotions right now. I have been abundantly blessed by my new friend, Brent. I love spending time with him like a fat kid loves cake (which I also love by the way!) It is a true delight to get to know him better. Yesterday we met for lunch. When I woke up I was immediately excited by the thought that "I get to see Brent today!" It started my day with a smile:) I realized today that the reason I enjoy being with him so much is because I get to be me. To him I am "just Erin." I am silly, goofy, fun, outspoken, perhaps a bit cocky, nerdy and kind. I am me! My friends are incredible, which I have said about a million times, but even they look at me differently now. They tip-toe around me and do a dance of grief when interacting with me. It is supportive and at times I really need that but it still places me in the identity of "grieving Erin." I can't tell you what a blessing it is to feel like myself with Brent when so many people now view me just for my devastating story. So what's the problem right? I feel bad for being happy around him. Like I am not supposed to be enjoying myself so much. I am still grieving. How can I be smiling? How can I be laughing? How can I enjoy someone, especially a guy, this much?

On the other hand I feel like if I acknowledge the part of myself that is sad and is hurting then I am not trusting in God. I am angry. I did everything "right" in my relationship and look what happened. What happened to "plans to prosper you?" What happened to wait on the Lord and keep yourself pure and God will richly bless your marriage? What happened to trusting in people who proclaim God? What happened to having a man pursue God to find you? I did that. I did ALL that and look what happened? All these are things that I am thinking, feeling and wondering but again I feel like I must be a bad Christian for being sad. Don't I believe that God has a greater plan? Don't I believe that I am still in His favor? Don't I trust? Yes, Yes, Yes- then why do I still feel sad and angry? Why do I feel so cheated by both God and Clay?

You see, I am so torn. Team happiness leads to guilt because I feel like I should be sad and team sadness leads to guilt because I feel unfaithful. Which team do I chose?