Quitters never win- or do they?

Like I said, I went on a vacation recently to Chattanooga and had a great time. I spent a great deal of time planning each thing I would need for the 4 days. To quote Mrs. Potato Head..." I packed my angry eyes... just in case" and boy did I need them. I looked through my grades online when I was at Panera and I noticed that I was missing a grade for an assignment in one of my classes. This particular class had a series of labs that I needed to complete and I was missing lab 5 out of 6. I e-mailed my professor and she let me know that there were no written requirements for that assignment because she wanted to make sure that each person was actually listening to each of the lectures. Pretty smart, huh? Well, you guessed it- I missed the assignment.

I did listen to the lectures but I guess I just missed what she said. When I was having such a hard time concentrating at the beginning of the semester Stephanie suggested that I do a task while I listened. Cooking has always been very therapeutic for me so I often listened to lectures while I made dinner. It wasn't optimum but I did better than when I would just try to sit and concentrate. Even if I hadn't heard her give the assignment you would think that I would have noticed that I went straight from lab 4 to lab 5. Under normal circumstances I would. However, I was always behind in each class and I just missed it.

My professor was very kind about the whole situation and let me know that she understood what a difficult semester it has been for me. None the less, this was "academic smack down" number two now and all I could think was- "this is not me!" I am so disappointed in how this semester has gone. I wonder if  my professors think I should have quit or taken the semester off, do I? Do they feel like they are constantly doing me favors because of this situation? Do they feel like I really earned these grades? Do I feel like I earned these grades? Do they actually think my performance reflects my commitment? Do they think that my knowledge from this semester will be sufficient to allow me to be an effective clinician? Do I?

I certainly know that these were extenuating circumstances but I still can't help but wonder? Should I have taken the semester off? I am worried about what my professors think of me because this semester simply wasn't an accurate portrayal of my true self or my commitment. I realized that I was disappointed. I am disappointed in the outcome of this semester and how much I feel I missed but I am not disappointed in myself. I have chosen to extend grace to myself. That said, I am mad as a hornet at Clay. I am mad that he put me in this position. I am mad that I missed out on some of my school. I am mad that I feel my integrity has been called into question yet again. I am mad that I had to move in the middle of the semester. I am just plain mad. I feel like it is one thing for him to chose to take away his life but why did he also take away mine? How is he still affecting me three months after being dead. Mad, mad, mad white woman tonight.

Jehovah-jireh - "God the Provider"

I know that God is my provider but I often like to take credit for his provisions by convincing myself they are a result of my good planning. He has always provided everything that I need and has never let me down. That being said, I still worry about how things will turn out and when my plans fail I still get nervous about where provisions will come from. Even though He has never let me down I still get surprised each time that God comes through. I sit back like "wow! that wasn't part of my plan. how did you do that?" I think that God often waits until the last minute just so that I will know it was Him. If He doesn't wait I often convince myself that I provided and planned for myself (hahahaha like I am really in control of anything. Oh how I like to deceive myself)

Most recently, God sent a big "I've got this!" reminder in regards to school.  I was really worried about how I would pay for school. I needed $980 for the first summer session and another $900 for second summer session. I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay for school and to live off of for the summer. Clay and I had planned this in advance and as part of our plan I had saved up just enough for school. We were planning on saving together for living expenses.  I applied for financial aid but because I was already "maxed out" for the year they told me I was not eligible. I have been really stressing about how I would pay for school. I know that I have amazing and loving parents that would never leave me out in the cold if it came to it but they have given me so much I didn't want to ask them for more. I have been praying for God's provision and He answered in a big way! Last week I got an unexpected check for $971. WOW! First summer session was paid! I was so excited that I only had to come up with money for the second summer session. Then this week I got an e-mail that they (shockingly) approved me for financial aid in the amount of $894! Woo-hoo! God is so Good. He provided the exact amount that I needed. What an awesome, powerful, loving and capable God we serve and how often we forget about His provisions for us. Thank you Jehovah-jireh!

Phil. 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

I will praise you through the storm...

I have been so blessed in the last four days to go on a wonderful mini vacation. I spent some time in Chattanooga and had a blast at all the attractions. Originally I was going to go for the weekend and be back by Monday, just in time to finish my finals. Unfortunately, due to a funeral this weekend the trip was postponed until Sunday-Wednesday. I still had some work to do and figured that I would just find a local coffee shop to get wi-fi. Well the recent tornados thwarted that plan. It took me 4 coffee shops in two different cities to find one that worked (way to go Panera!) When I finally got there it was like finding water in a desert.

From just my seat I could see 15 laptops. Wow! Everyone was searching for outlets and one guy even brought in extension cords from home to let everyone share.  Seeing their need gave me mixed emotions. I was heartened to see the way these Chattanoogans were banding together to support one another. I loved seeing them sharing outlets and giving emotional support to each other in the shop. I loved seeing the donation cans everywhere to help one another and I loved seeing the united feeling of these people and how strong they were standing with one anther. One of the days it rained pretty badly and the tension and fear of another tornado was palpable. I stopped to talk to some of the guys at the Incline Railway who said that now they were nervous even at the slightest bit of rain.

While I was so inspired to see the “can’t keep a good man down” attitude I was also saddened to see just how great the storm damage was. There were trees, power lines and telephone poles down everywhere. There were entire stretches of highway that were completely covered in people’s belongings. Furniture, papers and clothing were strewn about like fallen leaves.  There were entire streets blocked off because trees were everywhere and blue tarps crowned homes like battle scars.. It was if to call out “I might have been knocked down but I am not out yet.” Cars were crushed and so were spirits. I talked to one woman at one of the coffee shops who had 3 kids and had had no power in 6 days. She was lamenting to me about all her attempts to contact power and internet companies with no avail. My heart went out to her and to all the other people I met. I felt badly that here I was enjoying  a vacation and their lives had just been ravaged. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t from here. I simply smiled and offered that I too had trouble finding an internet connection. She seemed to appreciate the solidarity.

I was so struck by the way this city has been so damaged. I feel that my life went through it’s own tornado in the last 6 months. Just like these people, a great storm that was completely out of my control swept through my life and just left pieces strewn everywhere. Just like the woman in the coffee shop I have been searching for the smallest reminder of normalcy. Like the man at the railway, I am on a heightened alert for anything that reminds me of the storm and my body literally tenses at just the possibility of more “rain.” We have all been through a tornado at some point in time. Whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual we have all been battered at some point. Just as I was reminded this weekend, let us not forget to reach out to others as they are trying to recover as well. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own tornado and how it might have landed a tree on our car that we don’t even realize that our neighbor has lost their entire house. Who do you know that is battling a tornado right now and how can you help?

Just breathe

Ok so this video is hilarious and spoofs a bit at panic attacks. While this is hysterical, I can assure you that the real deal is not so fun. In an effort to receive the prayerful support I need I have decided to be completely transparent in what I am going through right now. I am having a very, very hard time with the idea of going back to North Carolina. I have had random crying episodes over the last two weeks and haven't slept much. Today reached a new level as I had a massive panic attack this morning that lasted about 45 min and included hyperventilation (almost to the point of passing out), uncontrolled shaking of my hands and feet and unstoppable crying. It was very scary and very much out of my control.

I have had one other panic attack before about 8 months ago. I stepped onto a plane that looked like a toy out of a cracker jack box. All I could think was this looks like every plane in every movie that I have seen crash. It is so small (only about 12 people) that they wouldn't even put it on the news if it crashed. The airlines wouldn't even care about keeping us safe because nobody would even know if we went down. When the captain came on about 1.5 hours after takeoff to announce that due to severe storms in Atlanta we would be making an emergency landing since we had run out of gas... I lost it. Enter panic attack.

The one today was worse. I know cognitively that everything will be all right and that once I get back to school I will be fine. I know I am meant to finish this degree and honestly I refuse to let Clay take another thing from me. I started this degree for myself and I am going to finish it for myself. It is about me. I need to do it for me. That said- I am petrified and apparently my body is not getting the message that it will be ok. I am so thankful for all the support that I have up there and I really, really miss everyone. I can't describe how strange it is to yearn for and loathe a single place simultaneously.

Unfortunately, Greenville is not a safe place for me emotionally. It is where I was hurt, where I was deceived, where my whole world fell apart. I am terrified to go back. It is like being a near drowning victim and being asked to jump right back in the ocean.

Thankfully, I was actually on my way to a pre-arranged Dr's visit when I had my attack this morning. She was very helpful and on the plus side there is no need for me to go back to school now as I am pretty sure I could make a living off all the drugs she prescribed. I am like a walking pharmacy now:) However, since I do not condone drug trafficking of any kind and would never do that guess I better go back.

I am having a hard time feeling like I am "crazy" since I cannot seem to control my body right now. For someone who is an uber control freak it is throwing me for a huge loop. It takes a lot for me to admit to you guys that I am dealing with this problem but I am really in need of some prayer warriors right now. I have been assured by the doctor that I am not crazy, and as a psychiatrist she would know, but that I have been through severe trauma and sometimes we cannot control how our body reacts no matter how hard we want to. I have not slept well in about two weeks. Please pray for restful sleep, decreased anxiety, no more panic attacks and a smooth transition back to NC. Thank you all for your support. It means more than you know.

"Honey, it is slap your momma kind of good!"

I have had the most wonderful blessing the last week. I was able to observe two wonderful speech-pathologists at the hospital outpatient center. It was ah-may-zing!!! I loved every minute of it and got to see all the types of patients that I have only read about in books thus far. What a wonderful shot of encouragement to get me excited about finishing school.

I had met a particularly delightful patient that was a precious old lady with spunk that rivaled Sophia of the Golden Girls. She was fabulous and I loved all of her little sayings like "colder than a well-diger in January" or " my house is so clean a fly could slide across the floor and break it's neck". Absolutely fabulous. She shared a recipe with me that was a "slap your momma kind of good" that I made for dinner last night. It really was that good. I jazzed it up a bit but thought I would share something to nourish your belly rather than your soul this time :)

Zucchini Lasagna

6 zucchini
fresh basil
2 bags 8oz mozzarella
15 oz ricotta (fat free if you wish)
15 oz cottage cheese (fat free if you wish)
one egg
one bottle of Ragu chunky any flavor
1 lb ground turkey browned and seasoned with Italian seasonings
grated parmesan

Slice the zucchini length wise. Combine the ricotta and cottage cheese with the egg.

cover the bottom of the lasagna pan with about 1 cup Ragu. place a layer of the sliced zucchini to cover the sauce. Tear fresh basil and place over zucchini. sprinkle with 3/4 c of the turkey. Cover with the cottage/ricotta cheese mixture. cover with 1 bag mozzarella. Repeat as many times as desired. Top with italian seasonings and parmesan cheese if desired. Bake at 375 for about an hour.

Delicious. You never miss the pasta and it is so good. bon appetit y'all!


Such a much needed blessing for me this week to experience my time at the hospital! Thank you God for your blessings in all forms- especially new friends friends and food!!!! (boy does He know the way to this girl's heart of what?!)


Mattthew 25:35 I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.

Surprise!

Ok the last month has been crazy, crazy, crazy. I am almost done with all of my finals and projects and have decided to take a break to blog. Woo-hoo! I have missed it tremendously.

So the biggest surprise came about a month ago. My friend Jessie came to visit me and told me on the way down that she had a surprise, "kinda a big surprise", to share with me. I thought through the possibilities and figured it must be that my friend Colleen or my friend Heather had decided to join her. I got really excited about this possibility but tried not to get my hopes up too high in case I was wrong.

When Jessie pulled up it was apparent that either Heather/Colleen had taken advantage of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak (highly unlikely) or they weren't there. Jessie jumped out of the car and opened her trunk exclaiming "here it is!" as she pulls out a giant poster board. It almost looks like a giant, Ed McMann- style check. It has my name on it in bright colors and looks really cute. Although I wasn't really sure what it was I thought it was a nice thought and politely thanked her. Then she handed me a card. Again, I didn't really think much of it since Jessie could put any church card ministry to shame with her regular cards of encouragement. I just thought I had another one to add to the collection. Then I opened the card and a real check fell out. I am not sure if my jaw or the check hit the floor first. All of my friends got together to support me, financially and prayerfully, in my calling to share my testimony. They gave me $1,000 to pay to go to the writer's conference. I cannot tell you how humbled I was by this act. To see so many (about 50 in all) people who believe in me, believe in my testimony and believe in God's purpose for this experience was amazing.

Of course, you all are the ones who supported me so you already know the story :) I have to be honest my first thought was "Crap! I really have to do this now!" It is a HUGE step out of my comfort zone but that just further solidifies that this is Gods plan and not my own. I am so thankful for the support I just can't even express it. Thank you a million times over. I am officially registered for the she speaks conference and will be receiving instruction on speaking, writing and turning a blog into a book. I am so, so, so excited and can't wait! Thank you!

Sorry it's backwards. Apparently my mac works off of a mirror system :) but the smile is still HUGE!!!

Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you are too sick to go to school, you are too sick to play.

(sorry for the lapse in posting. It has been a crazy, fun, amazing, busy, surprising week and a half)

So last week I got in trouble at school<insert gasp here>. Yes, me. Self-proclaimed goody two-shoes. I occasionally got reprimanded for talking (shocking right) in school but almost never did I receive a poor grade or get in trouble for academics but this week I did. I completely missed an assignment that was due over a month ago. I simply missed it- I didn't even realize it was assigned. Unfortunately, when it comes to school I have been playing catch-up and just as I get closer to the "finish-line" it moves farther away. So I missed the deadline for the assignment as well as the extended deadline my professor so graciously offered me. Then, if that wasn't bad enough... I missed the first e-mail she sent asking for the assignment immediately. I can't stand our school e-mail network and as a result of the idiotic categorical "filing" system I often miss new e-mails. So I was just about distraught when I received a smack-down e-mail in a very strong tone letting me know she needed immediate communication, the assignment and was frustrated with my lack of respect for her kindness towards me- well that was the gist of it, at least. It was very, very warranted and certainly understandable and founded on her part, especially when I didn't respond to the first e-mail. On both accounts I understand where she is coming from, and honestly wouldn't have been so gracious if I were in her place, but I felt terrible that it appeared I had done this intentionally.

Now let me let you in on a little secret about myself- I am a HUGE people pleaser. I think this comes from a variety of origins ie: I am naturally a people pleaser, I receive love through words of affirmation, when I was physically unattractive I tried to make myself more attractive to people by being a "good girl"and I often felt that each time another person in my family disappointed my mom I needed to work that much harder and be that much better to make up for it. In short I absolutely CANNOT STAND to have someone disappointed in me. You can yell at me all day and I won't even be phased but if you tell me you are disappointed I am crushed.

I have such a heavy conscience that I even told on myself as a child. I remember one time in particular
when I cut myself slicing some cheese. I always thought it was neat that my mom would cut apples towards her (I think it is a skill they teach you in mommy 101) so I tried to do it even thought she told me not to. I cut myself and ran to her sobbing, not because I was hurt but because "I cut towards myself and you told me not to. I am so sorry mom, I am just so sorry." Of course she was only worried about my safety but I was so heavy laden by my deceit that I remember it all these years later.

So when I got this e-mail I was so upset. I hated thinking that my actions reflected an unappreciative, uncommitted sentiment. I beat myself up for days and when I talked with Stephanie about it she really helped. I told her how frustrated I was that socially I could go out and have a great time just like myself but academically I still found it like torture to read just one chapter. As I got farther and farther behind in school the task seemed overwhelming and more than once I thought about just calling it quits all together. I was so frustrated with myself because I, like most families, grew up in a house where if you were "too sick for school you were too sick to play." Stephanie helped me realize that my "play" time is actually facilitating my school time. It is helping me heal and because mentally it does not require the same effort it is unfair to judge myself as though they were equal. Just because I am getting better I am still in recovery from severe trauma and it is ok to give myself a little grace. She helped me set out a school plan to get things accomplished and I am happy to send out the praise that I am caught up in almost every class! ( I also got the grade back for that assignment and got an 18/20!!! Praise the Lord) I am also learning, yet again, how to offer myself grace in this very long journey. Some steps take such great effort and I feel so weak but I am thankful that it is not my strength I live by:)

Psalm 71:16 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, even of thine only.